Ta Dah.........

Frikkin heck, they said yes! Although we still have to wait for the official paperwork, we were told we had every right to go out and celebrate. For those already on this crazy train and want to know the juicy details, we were in luck as we were the last panel of the day and many of the panel members had gone home. This meant we only had five vultures  panel members rather than the initial daunting ten. Although pleased, I thought that was a teeny bit rude. If I have had sleepless nights over this, you could at least show up and share my pain. The tone was fast, intense but at the same time, relaxed. Our support network book (aka my Blue Peter project) was a huge hit and I can really recommend doing something like this to show them who will be there for you in times of need. The fact that my phone has not stopped and we have received a message from every one of those people featured in that book just shows what amazing friends we have. It was all over quite quickly and the questions they asked were quite unexpected and pretty general:
1. Why do you think you'd make good adoptive parents?
2. How would your kids described you later in life as parents?
3. How was I going to cope without my family around?
4. What did we get, learn or take from the prep course last year?
5. How would I introduce my creativity into parenting my adopted child?
6. What would we do if our child/ren turned out to hate camping and boats?

We blabbered our way through this. You know me, I sure can talk. And then we waited in a different room while they all decided. This took a while and LRUN was really starting to look nervous. But it was a unanimous yes from all. (even the weird guy on the end...!) Miss Delia was so excited for us and we both had big hugs from her afterwards. She even noticed LRUN had had his hair cut. Luckily she didn't notice the Land Rover mud on his jacket. "eye roll"
So folks...after five long years, I am finally going to be a mummy. It may be a long wait but do you know what, our little one will find us.  Wowzers...what cake am I going to make to celebrate that fact? Welcome to Cafe Gratitude......

Tomorrow..tomorrow, I love you tomorrow....

It's hard to believe that tomorrow is the day. An advert came on the TV last night for a clearblue pregnancy test, showing how they can tell how many weeks along you are (as if I didn't know, I must have bought zillions of those little buggers in my time and we won't even talk about those ovulation ones!) but I had a thought. How cool would an adoption themed one be. "Two weeks until your panel day" or "You've got a match." Totally unnecessary but it showed just how far I have come on this journey road to adoption, in that I can now make jokes about these things.

I'm feeling strangely calm about tomorrow and its either because I have taken up knitting (it's classed as vintage isn't it?) or more likely because the Fraigs were here over the weekend and totally put my mind at rest. They explained everything and assured me it was going to be a doddle. They even provide the tissues as Mr Fraig admitting to shedding a tear when they got their yes. Aaah.  I have opted to wear my skinny jeans (don't eye roll me) but I wanted to still be me, just better.  So I bought a cute little navy jacket (thanks again Mr Mastercard, you're the best) and am going for the Jennifer Aniston yummy mummy look. Who am I kidding, it's bound to be more Miranda than Jennifer. But heck, I may even add some heels but at the risk of displaying the penguin totter, I may skip those.

The Fraigs are due to bring their boys home any day now and they are just buzzing. LRUN and I sat there and just soaked up all they were saying. It was so incredible to see just how happy they were. The boys are just perfect for them. They are tired but so so excited and even bought us gifts for our little one to be. This is the first things we have for them and this time, it feels so right.  After several cups of tea and massive wedges of custardy Victoria sponge (yes yes, I went traditional) they had to dash off to catch the supermarket as they had 25% off nappies. Oh how we laughed at how things had changed already.
So folks. Tomorrow I may or may not be told I will be a mummy. Back to the knitting....

A date with Mastercard...

So with five (eek!) sleeps to go until panel, so many people are asking how I am feeling. Excited...no. Nervous...no. Anxious....no. Crapping myself...hell yes!
Plus.. it is all now super official. The confirmation has arrived in writing for 1.50pm on Wednesday. (First class stamp again. Just saying) They are not installing a huge amount of confidence in me though, as their letter states that our application to become adoptive parents will 'be considered' at this time and that they still haven't managed to get in contact with my ex boyfriend. But reading further, Miss Delia explains this will hopefully not be a problem. They include an enormous amount of useful info to help us feel at ease and know what to expect on the day. There is even a list of who will be on our panel and I am sheepishly happy that HRH is not on there! Phew, this is good news as she was the one making such a big deal of LRUN's new commute. I have no idea what questions they will ask but I have to keep reminding myself that there are no 'right' answers. My other major panic is what on earth am I going to wear?  It's always glaringly obvious how uncomfortable I am when you take me out of my jeans.  So I am planning a little trip to town tomorrow to find something suitable, just me and the Mastercard.To be honest, it's just an excuse to go shopping really. Never under estimate the power of retail therapy.
On planet adoption, the Fraigs are well into their introductions with the boys and it is all going so well. Emotional but amazing and you are reminded what a fantastic job the foster carers play in this process. I can't wait to hear all the details. In fact, they are popping in on Sunday for a spot of the 3 C's. Cuppa, Catch up and Cake. Now, what should I bake for them....Ooh the choices! There is a new Chocolate Torte recipe given to me by Miss Mini Bohemia.  I can't wait to try it but it might be a bit rich. Oh but it tastes so good. Or I could make Lady Godiva's luscious yet wholesome Carrot Cake. Or there's my all time favourite Coffee and Walnut..you know, the one with the low fat  mascorpone in the icing.  Oh help! Decisions..decisions...!

MAY-be baby......

What a month this has been for babies. Perhaps its because I am now just 'in that circle' of small fry but they seem to be everywhere. From the exciting news of an early arrival of a very special mini M&M to the scoop of a second baby for a dear friend, this is a month for bambinos. Even on Planet Adoption, the Fraigs are within days of meeting their boys and Miss Rainbow's match is looking very promising. I am counting the sleeps until panel and with less than 13 to go, my spirits are up.  I have perfected the Red Velvet Cake and in fear of me LRUN consuming it all, I took some round to a good friend, Lady Godiva, who was babysitting her grandson. His eyes lit up with toddler delight when he spotted the cake. Hoovering it up was an understatement. I have never seen a 15 month old appreciate cake as much as he did. Simply adorable. We have a brilliant afternoon and once again, I am reminded how much I want this. But not in a sad way folks....my pot of cherub gold is in sight.

Toddler Cake Appreciation Day

PAR excellence.....

I do what I do every day when I dash home for lunch. I check the post. I'm expecting the usual junk mail and bills but...low and behold....there is something else on the door mat. A big fat white envelope sporting the familiar stamp from the Adoption Services. It contains what I can only assume is our PAR. Oh my hat, it is even yielding a first class stamp! I've got ten minutes to read it before I have to go back to the dailiy grind work but it's a whopping 47 pages so I have to save it for later. I struggle to concentrate for the rest of the day as all I want to do is go home, put the kettle on, get a slice of cake and curl up on the sofa with our PAR. Our story and pledge to become parents.  I race home and do just that, while at the same time struggling to ignore the dog who is giving me that 'look'
Miss Delia has done us proud. It's a masterpiece and reading it, I realise what  a wonderful life we have had so far. It's all very positive but of course there are a few concerns. She mainly worries about how I will cope without LRUN all day....like I've said before...to me this is just one less child to worry about ;-) She's also concerned that we have no family near us for support. I've got to come up with a damn good answer to that, as they are sure to ask me about that at panel. I'm still weirdly nervous awaiting  her visit the next day. Not helped by LRUN always insisting on using the sparkly clean loo for a last minute no.2 -  minutes before she arrives! We welcome her back into our home with open arms. The dogs are so excited to see her, in fact I swear the small one is doing some sort of little dance. She spends a couple of hours with us to ensure we are happy with the PAR but reminds us that they have no suitable children for us at the moment. Nonetheless,  it's a positive meeting. I tell her I have made a new cyber buddy who has been a huge support to me recently...hello Triple A :-) She also had Miss Delia as a social worker a while ago. I tell Miss Delia what a wonderful job she did with Triple A's match. Their little bubba is such a perfect match for them. The next minute I look up from my chocolate chip cookie and notice that she has welled up with tears. She was really touched by this and I think...crikey, I've made Miss Delia cry. I warm to her even more. She tells me that the dreaded HRH has read our PAR and the only comment she had was "Oh my gosh, I want the life they've had!" This is good news as HRH will be on the panel and is a notoriously hard act to win over. We wave goodbye on the doorstep and she says.."see you on the 29th". You bet ya!
So with 20 sleeps to go until panel, my plan for this weekend is to perfect that red velvet cake...watch this space.

Acceptance for the soul....

I no longer want to strangle Miss Delia. She's always said I was a very accepting person and I've done just that. Accepted it. Yet another planet adoption delay and setback. I am emotionally exhausted but I've accepted it. I think she honestly felt my disappointment in her soul and so sent us a follow up email. She explained that they didn't have any suitable children for us in our "zone" right now anyway, so another delay would make no difference in the big picture. She said that things just have a way of falling into place and that she would email me on Monday with a confirmed new date for panel. It took everything in my power not to chase her on Monday but to wait patiently for her to 'pull it out of her Per Una handbag'  She triumphs and we have a new date of the 29th May. I am pleased with this. Truthfully,  if she'd pushed it over into June, I think we may have been back to the strangling phase. However, I am still treading carefully here...she is coming to see us next week to go through our report with us. This makes me strangely nervous. Normally they just email or post the report to you. Why is she coming to see us? Is there a problem? I hope it's just because she feels she owes us a personal visit, I really do. Accepting yes but she forgot to mention 'paranoid!'
On another note, I've discovered a new anti ageing product. A type of natural dermo-filler that plumps up my cheeks and minimises wrinkles...it's called cake. Sadly my post IVF weight loss has started to creep back on and all this baking is really not helping. But fear not my little adoption buddies, something truly amazing is on the horizon. I have discovered a diet cake. A bizarre mix with diet coke and egg whites but trust me..it's a winner. This will change your life.

Wonder Cake