Ch ch ch changes.....

After a brief meeting at the County Council building with Miss Delia to receive yet more paperwork Really guys...I am on lever arch file no.3 already?) we head off to meet the new man in our lives. For our world to change forever.

It's a squeeze on the driveway and I reach in the back to grab the lemon drizzle loaf I made (yes..yes..boring I know but who doesn't love a bit of lemony loveliness) I look up and see LRUN is already on the doorstep with LBM in his arms. They are both smiling. Huge big happy adorable smiles. We spend the morning playing and getting to know each other but I can honestly say, LBM totally recognises us from the photos and dvd. We all hit it off.  I am a little concerned that the other little one the Fairy Godmother has in her care also recognises us and has some sort of strange bond with me already but I have to try and ignore his needs and concentrate on LBM. His favourite pass time is getting into a position that can only be described as a yoga 'downward facing dog' and then waits for us to lift him over into some kind of weird Eskimo roll. And again..oh...and again. "Gosh, I bet you didn't sleep last night?" says the Fairy Godmother. Nope, we both sleep really well actually. She is taken a back by this...she didn't sleep at all last night. How can we be so relaxed? She admits to me she has already had a big cry. Released all the emotion of loss that she needs to. Now is our time to enjoy him. He crawls over to me and looks me dead in the eyes and says 'Mama'. The room goes silent. Did we just hear correctly? Nah. Must be a co-incidence? Surely? Unless this running for president campaign thing really does work on on a 14th month old?

The morning is filled with laughter, love and smiles and believe it or not there are no tears. Well, only a few from LBM when he realises he is hungry and panics that we weren't part of his food routine. But quick as a flash, lunch was served and the tears were history. We put him down for his nap but this little man who can normally sleep for England, was in no mood for some shut eye. There were way too many exciting things going on. LRUN and I struggle to be serious as LBM is giggling so much, we just have to join in. We eventually have to leave him to settle and say goodbye. Downstairs, we soon could hear his deep slumber. Until tomorrow my little one. Until tomorrow.

The lion sleeps tonight....

I am so excited, I am in fact bordering on being annoying. Well my readers, today is the last day of it just being me. Tomorrow, it will be us. I stopped off at a new cake and coffee room in town and savoured the moment with the most delicious Apple and Cinnamon Cake and tea whilst pouring over their stock of baking books. It inspired me so much that the rest of the day then progressed onto more last minute panic buying. This time of baking ingredients. I must bake something to take to the Fairy Godmother tomorrow. But what to bake? What to bake?

We are due at the County Council building at 10am and then off to meet our LBM at 11am. Eeeeeek! One more sleep.

I just haven't met you yet.....

I'm feeling exceedingly organised this week. I've been to the supermarket and bought equal and vast quantities of wine and nappies. Driving home I tune into an interesting talk on the radio on IVF. Women are talking about the pressures of the treatment. Both financial and physical. They talk about how they are never really explained the low rates of success and yet feel the pressure to just keep trying. All they want is a baby. It takes over their lives, puts a strain on their marriage and empties the bank account. My eyes begin to fill with tears. I have to pull over. It brings back so much heartache and I feel so much emotion for these women. That was me not so long ago and here we are with  just 2 more sleeps to go until we meet our precious little boy. I just can't quite believe it....

Guilty pleasures......

I am revelling in the fact that whilst on maternity leave I, unlike most heavily pregnant women at this stage, still have the energy to run around and get organised without feeling tired, rundown or suffering from indigestion or lack of sleep. I tell you, this adoption thing is a no-brainer. The way forward.

Miss Scarlett calls me at home on Monday and I immediately go into panic mode. Something is wrong, this is all not going ahead. But no, she just wants to suggest we buy a blanket for LBM that we can sleep with and take with us to introductions. Just in case, he and Lucas the Lion don't hit it off as mates straight-away. I will admit, I'm becoming rather fond of that little lion. So why do I always assume the worst? Why can I not just allow myself to accept that is all really happening? Another thing I have noticed about myself this week (heck, I've had a lot of time to think) is that I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. That for some reason I don't deserve all this happiness. All this attention. All this love. I feel uncomfortable and guilty about receiving gifts from friends. Oh and believe me, they are still coming. Why can't I just learn to receive? I spend a little too much in Matalan on myself and feel enormously guilty about it! Why? In all honesty I don't know. I'm sure there is some deep and meaningful psychology in there somewhere. But for now, I just don't know.

I call The Fairy Godmother and she tells me LBM is doing just fine. She loved our dvd and says it's brilliant and that she's never seen anything like it. Eek, is that a good thing? Thankfully LBM loves it too and bops away to the chorus when LRUN and I dance around the lounge like lemons. She says she realises now that this is a perfect match. She sends me a photo of him clapping his hands and it literally lights up my heart. I send it to LRUN. He prints it out and sends me a photo of his desk, saying "oh no, I've turned into one of those parents (yes...parents!) who have pictures of their kids on their desks." This melts my heart and I cry a little. But they are happy tears. He has wanted this for so long and I have always felt so guilty (see....here we go again!) that I could never give him that. I have never seen him so happy.

I'm tempted to fill my freezer with baked delights for any drop in visitors and social workers over the next few weeks. But for some reason I don't. I end up making something just for us. Something slow and bountiful. Something autumnal. Butterscotch Apple Mini Galettes. These, my friends, are amazing. Oh and served warm, with cold, creamy vanilla ice cream......simply dynamite.

Just add ice cream....

Oh my giddy aunt......

It's my last day in the office. I need to write that again. It's my LAST day in the office. After six years of being a part of many other people's last days in the office, the emotions I am feeling are enormous. They spoil me rotten. They cover my desk in balloons and stars, take me to lunch, shower me with gifts and flowers. But there's a catch. I have to make the tea, bring cake and do my own filing. My boss gives a speech and it's all very emotional but I walk down to the car park grinning like a Cheshire cat.
The weekend is crazy and the m&m's are coming to stay with mini m&m. LRUN is so happy to see Mr m&m again and they bond all weekend talking baby stuff, although I do catch them occasionally ogling over camper vans on ebay. It's Sunday and I'm having a little LBM appreciation soiree at Miss Curly Wurly's. Just her, Boobylicious and Sailor Bunny. Just the four of us. Like the old days. There will be cake and wine. Heck, I'm there. We wave a sad goodbye to the m&m's and LRUN offers to drop me off so I can enjoy some wine. He's acting a bit odd en-route and announces at the last minute he needs to pick up something from the shop. I'm thinking Rennies (there was alot of food consumed this weekend) He turns the corner and randomly heads into the car park of the village hall and there...before my eyes....are a sea of  friends all bursting with surprise baby shower excitement. My jaw drops and my eyes start to well with tears. I'm somehow keeping it together until, amongst the crowd of faces, I spot Blue Eyes and Elaine Page. What proceeds can only be described as well,  ugly crying. These are two very special friends to me who have travelled a long way to get here! Someone hands me a cocktail (thank you to whoever that was!) I try and pull myself together and then I spot AAA and Mrs Fraig. More blubbing follows.  How have they managed to get all these special people in my life together here. I look over at LRUN and he smiles that cheeky smile. Yikes, he's been in my emails.
Inside, the hall is adorned with bunting and games and all my favourite people. The tables are heavily laden with food. I stand and stare gormlessly. I can't quite believe this. There in the middle of the hall is a trampoline....piled high with gifts for LBM. Lady Godiva sets me a challenge which involves cake, cocktails, 25 star jumps on the trampoline (to prove I really don't need that Tena lady) and a nappy changing challenge. I fail miserably on the latter by somehow managing to put the nappy on backwards...oh my giddy aunt! Oh it'll be fine...we'll just wing it! It takes forever to open the gifts. There are even gifts from back home. Wrapped in those familiar envelopes, battered and adorned with foreign stamps. Travelling snail mail to get here. This little 'soiree' has been in the planning for a very long time! How have they managed to keep this a secret? Packing up, the Land Rover is full to the brim and we head home and unload all his gifts inside. I sit down amongst a sea of HappyLand and Lego and quietly read each and every card and note, taking it all in.  LBM is one lucky little boy.

Cute as a button - last day cupcakes

Panel of love........

It's almost Bonfire night. I am dreaming of my Spiced Toffee Apple Tray Bake  but my phone is going crazy this morning with texts from friends wishing us luck for the Big Meeting today. The official Matching Panel Meeting. The one where the 'powers that be' get to decide if this is a definite match or not. I don't feel even vaguely nervous. In fact I am so chilled out, you may want to check I am still breathing. But I daren't tell my family about this meeting. I don't want them to worry. Surely it's going to be a yes. Surely they can't take us this far down the road only to say no. The chair lady is the same one we had for our Approval Panel months ago. She tells me she is surprised that although she chairs hundreds of these meetings, for some reason she remembers us. Oh lord, is that a good thing? It takes the similar form of the Approval Panel where a line of vultures panel members fire questions at you. The first one being "why do you think LBM is a good match for you?" I joke about the temptation to say, "I have no idea, you tell me, you chose him for us." They all laugh but I get the feeling they are just being polite and don't quite get the angle of my sense of humour. But I can't help myself. Maybe this is my subconscious nervousness shining through, as the inappropriate jokes continue to flow. LRUN is now giving me 'that look' and when they ask me how I am going to embrace LBM's Portuguese heritage, it takes everything in my power not to mention our love of Nando's burgers.

They make us wait ages for the decision. It's starts to worry both of us and I can see the panic in LRUN's face (well actually he has disappeared to the loo so that was my biggest clue)  They eventually return and express their concerns of how difficult we are going to find this all. How LBM is so attached to his foster carer that he will find the move distressing. Are we going to cope as a couple? In fact they are so negative I start to doubt myself and thoughts of 'what have we done' begin to swirl around my head. But then they announce it was a unanimous yes and that we could go home and crack open the bubbly. Miss Delia jumps up to hug me and admits to me it was tough. I can see she is exhausted but relieved.

We hand over our Running for President photos and the Tomy Photo Book (cringe) and the infamous DVD (more cringe) to Miss Scarlett. For a moment I have an awful vision of them dimming the lights, turning on the big screen, getting the popcorn out and watching us  make complete lemons of ourselves on this DVD. But thankfully, she puts it in her bag ready to give to the Fairy Godmother tonight. I will admit, there were many...many outtakes on that movie. And a lot of sniggling. Oh dear gawd.... Please let him find us funny.

Bonfire Night Cake

Lights, camera, action.......

I'm in the local supermarket... in... you guessed it, the home baking aisle. I'm in the mood for something creamy.  Something sweet. I'm dreaming of a Baked Cheesecake topped with a chocolate ganache when I hear LBM's name loud and clear. My ears prick up. I hear it again. It's coming from a distraught mother chasing her little boy through the chiller section. Thankfully, it's not him. I feel for her but hearing his name out loud just emphasises how real this is all becoming. That could be me chasing my little one clutching  his body weight in Babybelles and Cheese Strings. I smile my own little secret smile. Besides, I like Babybelles. Back home, I find an email from the Fairy Godmother with an update on his progress. She refers to him as 'my little boy' (another secret smile moment) and sends me a list of what he will come with. I am shocked by how little it is. 3x vests, 5x baby-gros and a winter coat. That's it. Oh and his special blankie. My obsessive thoughtful ebay purchases are bound to add to that.

Our main mission this week apart from the obvious afore-mentioned Cheesecake Bonanza is to finish LBM's talking photo book. This is the infamous Tomy Talking Book high on every adopters shopping list. We spend Sunday trying to get a set of photos together. LRUN is still in his jim-jams, which makes things tricky as I try not to include the pasty legs dotted with Andalucian mozzie bites. We get some cracking ones of the dogs. Admittedly on the 26th attempt. This does not bode well for future family portraits. We have to enlarge the single ones of us and laminate them for the Fairy Godmother to put up in LBM's room. Honestly, I feel like I'm running for president. This is my Obama campaign. But the psychologists swear by this so it's back to the laminating.

Our next mission (apart from getting through the Great British Bake Off Final without crying!)  is to complete the DVD of us, the house and the garden. This is what most adopters dread. Standing in front of camera, there is no ways I am can even compete with Justin on C- Beebies. The star of our show will be Lucas the Lazy Lion. A little jellycat toy we bought for him. We have been sleeping with him in our bed for a while now so he can be passed to LBM before introductions start with our scent.  Now my scent, I have no problem with. How on earth I am going to stop LRUN's under the duvet whiffs absorbing into his fluffy mane, I have no idea!

Baked Cheesecake Bonanza

Last one in the pool's an Andalucian lemon......

I find myself in the kiddie section of that Swedish lifestyle emporium. I have been here before but this time feels different. I have a little man in mind. I'm a mummy on a mission. Every kid needs a crocodile shaped non-slip mat for the bath, right?
Back home I find Miss Delia has sent us the schedule for our week of introductions with LBM. I can't help feel that it resembles a script out of Big Brother. Monday, 9.30 am....read in a strong jordy accent....LRUN and MITB leave their house and head to LBM's house. 10.30am.....they take him out for a walk and return in time for lunch. 1.30 pm....and so it goes on. Hour by hour of northern LBM loveliness.

I dash off from work to attend a meeting with Miss Delia, the Fairy Godmother and Miss Scarlett to go through this Big Brother schedule and co-ordinate the last bits of paperwork. Gah! More like the last mountains of paperwork. The desk is piled high with endless reports and forms. And no cake? Just so wrong. Surely a little token of the Best Brownies Ever wouldn't go a miss.  Miss Scarlett brings out a card and a small gift for LBM's birthday which is from his birth mother.....his Tummy Mummy. I am surprised by my reaction. It's one of annoyance.  Her card is way bigger than ours and she has produced a gift. Humpf! But I remind myself that we are giving him the biggest and best gift ever.  She announces that Tummy Mummy has requested to meet with us. It takes a moment for this to sink in but I know this is the right thing to do for LBM. To tell him one day that we have all met and even have photos of us all together. We proceed...still no sign of any cake.... and the chairman is reading from one of these zillions of forms. Miss Delia catches my eye as I am frantically trying to appear as 'super organised mummy' whilst desperately trying to figure out which one of these zillions of pieces of paper we are supposed to be reading from. She smiles and whispers, "Don't worry, you don't have that form. That's her checklist." Phew, as that was getting pretty awkward as I was leering dead-casual-like over the chairman's shoulder. Awkward moment. Nowhere near as awkward as the moment we had in John Lewis yesterday. We were looking at pushchairs and came across one that had a coffee holder and fur-lined gloves attached. We both tried out the gloves, casually dismissing how impractical they were and clearly not waterproof! And the wheels were a bit stiff (hee hee...look at us being all super knowledgeable) Imagine our dismay when we discovered this was no shop model. This was in fact somebody's pushchair and in fact contained a baby. We could only imagine the look of horror on the mothers face as she watched us from afar. Needless to say, we were laughing so much, we had to leave. All I can say is that thank heavens LRUN didn't do his his usual trick of  "I will not be defeated.....I must figure out how this monstrosity folds down to a mear waif of it's it's original size!"

We spend the next week on holiday in a villa in the mountains of Andalucia. Our own little babymoon.  We have the most special time together. Enjoying those last opportunities of lying by the pool reading and drinking carafes of sweet sumptuous Sangria. I can't help think of how different this would be with a toddler in tow. Just the thought of airport security malarkey fills me with dread. But that's a whole 'nother adventure to look forward to.