About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Thursday, 20 November 2014

One year on.....

Wowzers, my trousers. Has it really been a year since we brought LBM home? 365 days of big squishy love. Looking back through this blog, I realised just how tough things have been. I'm the kind of girl (girl? who am I kidding here...ok, let's try again) I'm the type of woman that doesn't really acknowledge stress at the time. Until I look back on things and think...geesh...how did I get through that?

Admittedly things have not been easy. And reading back over this blog, I can feel the stress oozing out in each post. His social anxieties, his comfort eating and his rejection of LRUN were all pretty tough going.  We received so much advice about how we should tackle it all, suggestions of sticking to just one parent being the main carer to be sensitive to his anxieties and needs but in my heart this didn't feel right. I trusted my instinct alot of the time and we simply persevered through the tears and traumas as dual carer parents. And I can honestly say, we have come out the other side, shining. Not gleaming...we are still a long way off that but we are shining. Things really have got a whole heap better over the last few months. Watching him and LRUN roll around on the floor, playing, giggling hysterically just melts my heart. How he now squeals with delight when he hears that diesel engine pull up on the drive, it's just too precious. When he asks for food in time of stress and I calmly tell him it's not lunch time etc, he just accepts it and moves on. When he stole the show on the karaoke machine at mini Triple A's party, his confidence was blooming. Even if he did sound like an embarrassingly drunk uncle at your cousin's wedding.

But we still have a long way to go. The developmental delays are progressively more and more evident, especially on the speech front. But when he shouts "cheese" on top of his voice as we enter the dairy aisle in the supermarket, I know we will get there. In his time of course. So on our one year anniversary today, he spent the day at nursery and ironically, in true mummy in the baking style, they made chocolate cake. I'll be honest, I was a little bit gutted to discover there was none left for me. Heartless.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Meet the parents.....

The meeting went well. I think I did most of the talking but that's normal. I love a bit of babbling. Especially if I'm nervous. We couldn't have asked for a nicer set of parents for Jelly-Tot. On one hand, we are all very different but Mrs Jelly-tot and I have a little in common. She bakes and she sews. Instant friends. LRUN and I were keen to meet up again with them, this time with the kiddie winks. But they have their own birth son, who has proudly labelled himself as her 'big brother' for a while now. We need to tread very carefully here introducing LBM as the new brother. So we're going to give it some time. As long as their little boy needs. We gave them some photos of LBM to put up at home and I could see them oohing over him. She is so different to LBM. They have the same cheeks but she is completely opposite to him. How do I feel after the meeting? I'm honestly ok with it. I looked at photos of her with interest, like you do when looking at friends babies. There was no sadness. Maybe its because LBM tops her on the cuteness front. Big time. It did feel strange seeing Miss Delia again. I looked at her in a totally different light this time. Probably as she was no longer 'assessing' us and we certainly weren't watching what we were saying. She did prepare us for the latest news that tummy mummy has been locked up for a minor offence. Sad and distressing to hear but at the same time, it really emphasises that they made the right choice in granting the adoption order. I wonder where he would be today if not. Mrs Curly Wurly and family looked after him for the morning and he had an absolute blast with them. There were no tears, he made rice crispie cakes with them and charmed them beyond belief. They kept telling me what a wonderful little soul he is. Hashtag proud mummy.

Needless to say, LRUN hoovered all the rice crispie cakes but I need to be careful on the cake front. Back at a desk three days a week is not doing my waistline any favours. Especially as I stumbled across this bombshell. Brownie in a mug in under 2 minutes? You're not serious? Oh, I'm afraid I am. I added vanilla and sea salt. In the time it takes to go and get a scoop of ice cream to add....Ping...It's ready. Poor heaven but oh so dangerous.

Monday, 6 October 2014

You say what....?

It feels good to be back at work. Well, in some ways anyway. I do find my mind still wonders. Looking at the time, wondering  what LBM is up to at nursery.  He's already made best friends with the chef, so I know the little guy will be just fine. There are still a few tears on drop off but they assure me he settles pretty quickly after we've gone. "Ooh look, tractor!"  Certainly when I pick him up, I can hear him babbling away and laughing from the hallway. They have a great window you can view the little ones from without them realising and its fascinating stuff to watch him play. Engaging with others. Just being him. He is such a little champion and really has settled in well and I know we have made the right decision here...until we got the bill that is. Holy macaroni!

The last few weeks have seen him turn the big two. He was so excited about it being his birthday. Nothing to do with me singing Will-I-Am's new single at full pelt to him in the week run up to his big day. Honest. Presents and cards flowed through the door and for once, it was his turn to join in the birthday celebrations on Cbeebies.  We made the decision to forego the party this year but we had a great day all together, just our little family, jumping in muddy puddles and of course, lots of cake.

On the developmental front, his speech is still delayed and they have now clocked him as six months behind. This was always my fear. The older he gets, the more behind he is getting as there is so much to catch up on. But the speech therapists are on-board (albeit intermittently) and things are progressing. He is talking, in fact he has long conversations with us, the dog, whoever will listen really. It's just not English. Portuguese maybe but not English. Not even close.

Tomorrow is the big meet up with Jelly-tot's new parents. I'm not even thinking about how awkward it's going to be. That's a waste of energy. I'd rather channel that energy into just being me and making a new set of friends that I hope we can continue to meet up with, so LBM and Jelly-tot can be together as often as possible.  It will be interesting to see Miss Delia again. So much has changed.

Ooh...ooh...I must share: I was given some perfectly ripe pears the other day and stumbled upon this recipe for Chocolate Pear Cake. It was outrageously good. In fact, I'm on the scrounge for some more pears just so I can make it again. I may even add a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Dynamite!

Monday, 8 September 2014

Hi Ho...Hi Ho.....

I walked past a poster in the park last week. A bright, colorful ad. Luring you in. "Get back your pre-baby body now!" it shouted. This made me smile and  illustrates the real irony of adoption. The last thing I want back is my 'pre-baby body.' In fact, since LBM came to share our lives, I have never been thinner and fitter. (Ok... apart from during my travels in Africa with LRUN... but that was more due to dysentery and lack of food, than happiness)
I had lunch with some pregnant friends last week and listening to the woes of their pregnancies, it really hit home how lucky I am. I have the most precious little boy for the rest of my life but have managed to escape the weight gain, the indigestion, the discomfort, the itchy skin, the multiple midnight wee stops and of course, the nausea.

Last month welcomed our final day in court. It's what they call an 'Adoption Celebration Day' but what I call the 'Closing the Front Door on Social Services Celebration Day.' But if I'm honest with you, I found it all a little disappointing. I hope this doesn't make me sound ungrateful, as I am not altogether sure what I was expecting but we literally spent longer going through security that the actual time 'celebrating' in the court. However, it was made memorable by an extra special family member joining us. You know who you are. A big squishy thank you to you.
As we were leaving, the judge asked if I would be returning to work at Christmas. "Errr....no....actually next week" I blurted out. I could feel Miss Delia's eyes burrowing into me. Once outside, I admitted to her that there had been few changes. I confessed that I hadn't told her for fear of things being delayed yet again and anyway, they were all positive changes. "I knew you were up to something" she said "but just wasn't sure what." Just shows you what a rubbish liar I am. Sadly, just as I feel we have closed the door on these 'powers that be', she asks if she can contact us again next week. The new adoptive parents of Jelly-tot would like to set up a meeting with us. Now, that is going to be an awkward meeting. Brace yourself Bridget!

On the baking front, how yummy do these Carmelitas look. Can't wait to try them. Caramel, Chocolate and Oats. Pure heaven for me. Calories? What the heck. I always have the excuse of 'having' a baby.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Let the truth be told......

Ok, here's the deal: I haven't been totally honest with you over the last few weeks. For reasons mainly that I worry that the SW's may be reading this.  There have been some major changes in the LBM  household that the SW's would only deem as unstable. Risky. I mean, you and I both know how they feel about change. In addition, it meant Miss Delia would have to update our report and that would only have delayed things even further. So for once in this process, we kept quiet. We weren't lying as such. Just not divulging the exact truth.  However, now that the adoption order is granted and we have full parental responsibility for LBM, I guess I can spill the beans:

To start with, LRUN has a new job. He has formed a company with some old colleagues and finds himself self employed and much closer to home. No more endless commutes. No more early mornings and late nights. Just some extra special LBM time in the mornings and evenings now. This was easy to keep quiet until Miss Delia wanted to pop round after work one night and LRUN had to park around the corner in stealth mode waiting for her to leave, as he shouldn't have been home at that time.

Secondly, my job was being moved north too but since LRUN had resigned, I have opted for redundancy. I have a new part time job starting in September.

Lastly...and it's a biggie.....LBM is going to nursery three days a week. Eek.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

On the eve again....

So here we sit again, folks. On the eve of the adoption order being granted. Personally, I'm not holding my breath. Miss Delia calls me to double check if the DBS form has arrived. In actual fact, we have two forms. She makes some random joke about London buses but then says she needs to come round after work and visually see them. LBM is not happy to see her. In fact, his behaviour is beyond worrying. He scurries to the furthermost corner of the house, whimpering. I eventually manage to entice him out with a phone charger (anything with a cable these days is a hit. Geek!) and he begrudgingly comes and sits with us. He is not happy about it and I just want her to go so my little boy can relax. I admit to her that I simply don't think he likes her and immediately regret this. I can see she is a little bit hurt. She tries to engage with him a little but he remains cautious. As soon as she is gone, he perks up and we carry on with bed time. He chooses a different story tonight and stares deep into my eyes as we cuddle goodnight.

On other spectrum's he is coming on leaps and bounds. He is babbling away in full sentences all day but alas just not in English. We have come so far on the food front and I have to look back and remind myself of this on a daily basis. It's not always hunger and we have to be so careful how we approach food. It's such a complex situation as its not something I want him to stop doing. I do want him to eat. Just not all the time. And not for comfort.

We do still have major issues on the play front. Toddler groups, play dates and soft play are my nemesis. But I have to keep persevering to keep him socialising and if I go in with zero expectations, then anything past the front door becomes an achievement. I have learnt so much about him and I know that sometimes, it's just not worth trying to force him to stay somewhere. It's detrimental for everyone involved. We just come back and try again another day. It's can be particularly lonely at times but I know, deep in my soul that things can only get better. Either that or I am opening up a play group with only electrical household equipment as toys. No trampolines, slides or toy cars. Just phone chargers, vacuum cleaners and mountains of computer accessories. I can see it now........neon lights and all.........Geek City.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Postman Pat......Postman Pat

Hurrah! The infamous DBS form has arrived. We have a new court date for the end of the month. However, Miss Delia is still on holiday and they are unsure whether she can make that date. I wonder if Delia Smith has anything planned for the day and fancies a stand in?