About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Friday, 29 March 2013

A sure thing....

Why is it that nothing in life is ever guaranteed?  Or maybe that's just my world but there always seems to be something we are aspiring for in life which entails an element of luck and hope. I pity the next poor unsuspecting soul that blesses me with one of my all time favourites..."aah.... fingers crossed it all works out for you" as I fear I may actually punch them. Well, I won't really as I'm such a pansy but they'll still  get a right old mental bollocking.  I hate that expression. Why can't some things in life just be definite? Guaranteed. A sure thing. I guess that would  make life pretty dreary and predictable but just for once, for me, I would like a piece of certainty. You will be a family by the end of the year. Done. Dusted. For sure. I hope I'm not sounding impatient.  I guess I'm just feeling this way as its been a week of strange news. A breakdown in another potential match which resulted in Little Miss Rainbow losing a bit of her shine and this makes me sad.  This together with the tragic news of a stillborn to a friend just proves that you just never know how things are going to turn out. Nothing is ever certain. I now realise that even if I could have a baby the old fashioned way by bonking as my Granny D would say, I would never enjoy that pregnancy. After four miscarriages, it would always be the case of " fingers crossed, it all works out for you"  I remember on my last IVF cycle, a friend saying she was crossing everything crossable for me that it worked.....Well she clearly wasn't crossing her legs was she? All proven by the arrival of her twins (hahaha.... I knows she's reading this so..so sorry Mrs Curly Wurly, I couldn't resist.... giggling...still love you.) So who knows where this crazy adoption train will take us. Destination unknown.
I'll tell you what is a sure thing though.... The delicious soft squigyness of a sugar crusted pear and almond cake baking away in my oven. The kitchen smells nutty and sweet and I am certain this is gonna taste just fabulous. Well...fingers crossed it does.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

May Day...May Day

Feck! Either Miss Delia has discovered my blog (eek!) or she has some sort of in-tuned oonagi but she emailed me yesterday. In the subject line was Adoption Panel Date and I could feel my little heart beating as I clicked open. Please let this be good news.  Sadly not, and as suspected, they are delaying our panel until the 15th May so they can assess how LRUNs new journey (really?) will impact on us. Oh for the love of shortcake! It's the same job, same people, same product, same money...he is just getting on a train. So as always, I  grit my teeth and endeavour to remain positive and hope that this delay is all to due to some form of divine timing. Perhaps some Suffolk down-and-outs are shagging as we speak to procreate our child.

So panel is now 8 weeks away. How on earth am I going to while away the days? I am thinking of planning a special party...maybe an afternoon tea. With mountains of little cakes, tea, champagne and a few savory delights. That should keep me busy. Who fancies coming round?

Monday, 18 March 2013

Who you calling a fat rascal?

It's been a week of really good news but before you start doing your Freddy Mercury impersonation dancing round the kitchen in excitement, sadly none of it is MY good news. But it's fabulous news nonetheless and needs to be celebrated. The Fraigs have been to panel, approved and are already being linked to some little ones. An old friend has her panel booked for this week and I just know they are going to say yes and Little Mrs Rainbow has a match in the pipeline. In reality, for me, it's been a week of sad news. It might have something to do with two sets of very special and supportive friends who stood as references for us are moving away.....one to Oz...come on Shananagans..could you get any further away..!.. and the other to that side of the country where they drive tractors all day. I guess I am just once again feeling like the last man standing. Why are we having to wait so long? I guess this a just a natural emotion to feel when you finish your homestudy and are waiting for your SW to finish writing your PAR (an encyclopedia sized report on whether they think you would make suitable parents or not...."eye-roll") There are no more dates booked in the diary, no more Blue Peter style projects and homework, just the plain old silence treatment as she dilegently types away. As if five years of fertility treatment wasn't enough pain,  I just have this awful feeling it's not going to happen this year. Each day I check the post thinking maybe she's done it, maybe Miss Delia has been up all night with cups of coffee, grazing on mountains of cake and frantically typing away trying to get our report done. And it will miraculously arrive on the doorstep today in that all too familiar adoption services envelope. Reality soon slapped me in the face with a crumbly chocolate cookie when I spoke to one of our references and realised that Miss Delia hadn't even written their reports yet so we have a long wait ahead. To ease the pain, I go away up north with a friend to Harrogate (gosh, they talk funny up here) and we have a lovely weekend away, drinking wine, eating cake and shopping. Something I know when the little ones finally arrive, will be a thing of the past. We brave the queues of Betty's Tea Room and indulge in many, many delights. I buy LRUN a traditional Yorkshire Fat Rascal (a sort of comical rock bun/scone type fancy) Ok, so I buy him half a Yorkshire Fat Rascal as I couldn't stop eating the little bugger on the journey home. Crumbly, butter with juicy little currants...just too irresistible.

Yorkshire Fat Rascal

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Aah Mothers Day...that old chestnut

I'm in the supermarket shopping for icing sugar and the place is heaving...I know... 'whats new' I hear you sigh but seriously this is worse than normal. There are people everywhere panic buying tulips, chocolates and roast dinners. And then it dawns on me...it's Mother's Day tomorrow. Aaah....the day of mothers... a celebration I have always blanked, ignored or simply had no reason to jubilate. I lost my own mother brutally to cancer when I was 21. She was 48 (yikes...not much older than me really) Yes, my dad has a new partner and she is an amazing mother who I love enormously but we randomly celebrate Mother's Day on a different day of the year in SA. I also have a wonderful mother-in-law but she lives four hours away and celebrations aren't really their thing. But yes, I have bought her a card from LRUN, signed it and reminded him to post it. So tomorrow is going to feel strange. All my friends have plans as many of them are now new mums. For me it's going to be yet another reminder that I am still not yet a mother. "Ooh but enjoy all those lie-ins while you can", they say.  The truth is..I don't like lie-ins, lie-ins make me lazy and remind me that I don't have something to get up for. Anyhoo...LRUN's under the duvet whiffs confirm why lie-ins aren't always what you dream they'd be. Plus the dogs need a wee and I need tea so I just don't do lie-ins. But I don't want to come across as all glum and solemn and feeling sorry for myself as I am just not that type of person. So instead I am going to embrace tomorrow. Celebrate it as my 'mummy-to-be day.' Going through the adoption process is like a having a pregnancy but with no due date. I will be a mummy some day...I'm just not sure what day. I decide to bake myself my all time mood uplifting, bog standard chocolate cake but plan to add a twist of white chocolate and oreo icing. Gah! After all that  trolley dodging, I forgot to buy the icing sugar!

Sunday - Happy Mummy-to-be Day to me

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Going bananas with Miss Delia......
It's the most beautiful sunny spring day and with a bounce in my bosom-supported step (yup I'm feeling young again) we welcome Miss Delia into our home for one last session of home study. Feeling positive, I had whipped up a scrummy banana loaf with the added feel good factor of wholemeal flour and carefully lay four tantalising slices on the coffee table in front of her. It turns out to be an incredibly intensive meeting and we spend nearly 3 hours talking about disorders we would consider including foetal alcohol syndrome, drug abuse, mental health problems etc. As we break for me to make another much needed cup of tea, she lunges (yes...you heard me....lunges!) forward and grabs a piece of banana bread and I hear her say to LRUN, "Gosh this is really delicious" I grin like the proverbial Cheshire and instinctively do a little dance in the kitchen and hope no-ones looking apart from the dog. We talk alot about the matching process and how long it takes...around three months from when they first show you a profile until you actually get to meet the little angel. (Once again, Dear Mr. Cameron....please explain) She wraps up the session with the good news that she is still aiming to take us to panel to be approved as adopters in April. The subject of my husbands commuting will continue to be an issue to deal with after that. She asks me if I had considered how different things would be with a child with us....seriously Miss Delia, I have thought about nothing else. Everything I do now, I find myself thinking about how this would be with a little one in tow. I no longer blank the contents of the shelves in the baby aisle, I now even allow myself to look at the bedding for kiddy-winks in John Lewis. I need to tread carefully, as I have been here once before. With a pregnancy where the closer we got to the first scan, the more I allowed myself to believe and I stupidly allowed myself to believe that it was ok to buy my first mother and baby magazine. Sadly that pregnancy ended in a devastating 'no heartbeat' situation and I had to come home and toss that magazine into the recycling bin. I vowed never to do go there again.  So, this is emotionally a huge step for me. I am allowing myself to get excited about this. Oh please let this happen this year. I don't think I can face another Christmas playing Santa for the dog. ;-)

Wholemeal Banana Loaf