About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Saturday, 28 December 2013

The votes are in and the lines are now closed....

As a test, we popped round to the Twilights to see how LBM would be around other people he knows and their Baby Twilight who he knows well. His little playmate. After all, it's only 5 min down the road. He was clearly not comfortable. Even Mrs Twilight was shocked at how withdrawn and clingy he was. Not his usual chuckly, happy self. We managed 45 min before it was clear to me that a) we needed to get him home and b) the family visit tomorrow was definitely not an option. LRUN tried to soldier on and got involved in the dinner/bath/milk/bed-time routine. There were plenty of tears and it took a lot from me not to interfere. But to stand back and let them get comfortable again. But right now, they are watching 'In the Night Garden' together and all is calm. So my friends, we are back to day by day proceedings. Miss Delia is coming round in a few days time. This could be interesting.
Baby, it's cold outside....

My phone and email are beeping merrily away with messages from far and wide, wishing us all a magical first family Christmas. I reply with grateful thanks but it is far from magical. Each day seems to bring a new step backwards and LBM has regressed massively. I drive myself crazy thinking of the trigger but decide to throw those thoughts to the wind and concentrate on what he needs right now. Me. He is unbelievably clingy to me, showing very peculiar behaviour. I'm sure the psychologists out there would have a field day. He rejects LRUN. In a big way. Last week they were best buddies. A team. Now, he bursts into inconsolable tears every time he comes near him. This my friends, is heartbreaking to witness. LRUN is sad. Real sad. I feel for him and want to help but I don't know how. I have to focus on our little boy. He has started to accept my consoling cuddles. A step further perhaps.

It's Christmas morning and that precious moment of us all gathered around the tree opening presents ended in hysterical tears pretty quickly. There was one funny moment when he stole Black Dog's present (a lamb chew stick)  off her and ate it! I try and perk things up and make us a nice Christmas lunch but am full (both physically and emotionally) halfway through the glazed ham. I can't face celebrating and eating a big lunch today.  Not even the champers is helping. The day gets worse and his tears reach a crescendo by bath-time. We decide we need to start all over again. From scratch. So I spend the next day just me and LBM (and the fridge)  and it seems to be marginally better. There are tears but they are manageable. I go back to the routine like clockwork but I worry I am doing more bad than good. He is driven by his milk feeds and the sense of crazy euphoria he slips into when it gets near 'the time' is worrying. It's as if it's an addiction. There, I've said it. Addiction.

It's been over a week now and just when I'm getting used to to facing one day at time here, we turn a corner. Well, more like we make a left at the roundabout. I put him back into his cot this morning so I can take a much needed shower. Believe me, there are only so many times you can get away with using a baby wipe! LRUN sneaks upstairs and starts to play peek-a-boo with him and his blankie. I hear giggles. Oh geesh, that sounds good. They play for ages, and I sneak away and hide in the bedroom. We communicate stealthily through text messages and he tells me when it's ok to make a re- appearance. It goes well but there are more tears when I walk away again. But still, this is one heck of a milestone folks. We were supposed to be visiting family tomorrow. I am still not sure if this is a good idea. It's a long drive. Do we risk the disruption or would the visit be a welcome distraction for all involved. Tough call. And the voting lines are now open......

Monday, 23 December 2013

Santa baby....

Breaking news kids....the tree is still up! Result. I tell LBM I have 2 exciting things for him today. One...daddy will be home early tonight and two...Grandpa is coming to visit. I have no idea whether he takes any of this in but I tell him anyway. I always tell him what the rough plan for the day is. So he knows what to expect. Right now, at this sensitive time in his life, he doesn't do nasty surprises. He needs to know what's going on. He takes to Grandpa instantly and they bond over a walk around the lake (while I frantically search for black dog who appears to have made a last ditch attempt at a bid for freedom) I love Grandpa so much. He is the best in-law anyone could ask for. He is so hands-on and I am gutted when he tells me he can only stay for 2 nights. LRUN comes home and LBM is acting strange. He is very unsettled and perhaps just a little over-tired but there are some very emotional, inconsolable moments. But he sleeps well and we look forward to embracing a new day. But these moments of unexplained crying continue throughout the weekend and here on Monday night, they have reached a crescendo. We seemed to have regressed massively. One minute he is blissfully happy, the next, he is screaming the house down. I have tried comforting him but he is not interested. I do my best to ignore the tears but at one point, after 45 minutes of solid ear drum shattering screams, I worry we are now into dinner time hungry crying and so pick him up and feed him. He is momentarily happy but it doesn't last long. As many new parents do, we have checked the list of possible physical problems and there is nothing obvious. This is emotional crying. Dark, freezing cold, rainy and blustery afternoons are not helping either, as we are trapped indoors. Christmas is going to be interesting. Wish us luck. There is a new Apple Cake with a Crumble Topping I am dying to try but right now, baking opportunities are a thing of the past. I'll have to start a baking 'wish list' LOL!

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Hurrah...Daddy's home

His little face when LRUN walked through the door early on Friday night was just precious. In fact, LRUN's face was pretty special too. They have missed each other. Alot. They spend lots of cherished time together over the weekend, which includes a solo parent swimming experience. We have friends over for Sunday lunch and although he sleeps through most of it, he does make a grand appearance 2 hours in and has the time of his life playing with his new friends. Our house is filled with toddlers, toys and friends and I couldn't be happier.

Food and milk are still a major issue and I would be lying if I said it was a breeze. It's tough. Really tough. And his constant demands for milk and food are hard to manage. Saying that, I am blessed that it is this end of the scale rather than him not eating at all. I honestly think that would be harder and judging by the endless programs on C-beebies trying to get kids to enjoy food is proof that the majority of parents out there struggle to get their kids to enjoy food. Parents of the fussy eaters, I salute you. But from my point of view, when you're trying.... in desperation...to distract a grumpy, hungry toddler with tv and they are all making and eating muffins, this in itself is a whole 'nother challenge. But you know what, it's early days. I have to persevere. I am the worlds worst comfort eater. Had a bad day, feeling a bit sad, I am the first to reach for cake, sausages and wine. How ironic that I should have a little boy in my life with similar issues.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

In the flesh.......

It's the day of our first official Review Meeting. I'm on the phone to Miss Blue Eyes catching up with her bump news while simultaneously panic dusting anything I can in the house. They are due any minute and all I have to offer them is the last of the Gingerbread Loaf. It's such a good recipe though. It just gets better each day. Each day you can avoid eating it that is. They arrive early. Hmmm...are they trying to catch me out? Probably. But it all goes well. We talk about Jellytot.  They tell me Tummy Mummy has requested the siblings are placed together. I am amazed she even has this right. I tell them we are still not ready to make this decision and they are very understanding. They assure me they will cast the final decision. This is a very sensitive case and Tummy Mummy is not in a good place right now. LBM manages to remain asleep for the entire meeting. This is obviously not overly helpful in assessing how he is settling in but the social workers do their best to assure the chairman all is going well.

We venture back to the local toddler group and his little face lights up as we enter the room. He knows where we are.  I've realised recently that its all about familiar things for him. He loves his walks down by the marina. Not because of the fresh air or the shipping activity. But because it's familiar. He knows what to expect. We have to leave early as the health visitor is coming round. He's starting to get a little grumpy as we are slowly encroaching into his lunchtime. He tolerates her. (Only just....there is a lot of toy throwing and he has some kind of weird fascination with her furry boots!)   When she asks that he gets naked to be weighed, he goes into a complete meltdown. It might have something to do with her comment of how big his thighs are but to be fair, if I was expecting lunch and instead you want me to be in the nude and on a set of scales, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be happy. He is so distressed, I have never seen him like this. In some kind of strange comforting way, this is re-assuring to know he is expressing this emotion. He won't even let me re-dress him. He is inconsolable. I bring the dogs in to distract him and it works. He starts to calm down a smidgen and I manage to get one layer of clothing on him. He is emotionally exhausted. But after a long awaited lunch and a good sleep, he embraces a much happier afternoon. We have reached a whole new level this week. I can honestly say there is a strong bond happening here. But he is definitely missing LRUN. They haven't seen each other awake since Sunday. But it's poets day tomorrow so daddy will be home in time for bedtime. Hurrah!

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Just the two of us.....

LRUN is up before even the sparrows fart to get the train to work and LBM is now very much awake. He can hear all the commotion going on and wants to be part of it. Seriously, why is my husband so noisy? To be fair he did have to change his new trousers when he realised Tesco had left the security tag on. Snigger.  But I try and stick to the routine and let LBM settle again and go in at 7am. He is so wide awake. So ready for the day. Oh indeed. We muddle through the morning food/milk tantrums and go down to the marina with the dogs for a walk. He loves it here and chuckles away to himself. We play games and tip the buggy backwards so I can kiss his nose. He loves this and wants it over and over again. We even survive a grocery shop (ok...this time with food bribery!) and somehow manage to spend a small fortune. I fear I am turning into my mother as I hear myself say, "Your father is going to have a heart attack when he sees how much we've spent." I can't even blame it on the nappies as they didn't even make an appearance in the trolley today. No room anyway after the Pinot Grigio. Dinner time doesn't go so well. He is either missing LRUN big time or he just doesn't like spinach. And judging by the contents of the nappy the next morning, I reckon it's the latter.

This morning I meet Mrs Twilight and Baby Twilight at the marina and we have a glorious walk in the morning sunshine together. They come back to ours for a cuppa (all be it after I spend 10 minutes looking for white dog, who is now no longer white!) and LBM plays happily with Baby Twilight. Another couple of friends pop in and I realise how much LBM loves people. How much he loves the activity of a bustling house. His giggles are proof of that. This makes me think more about Jellytot. Maybe we need to seriously consider this. Something else which needs serious consideration is Christmas which appears to be creeping up on us. Hashtag feeling disorganised. Hashtag need to bake!

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Splish splash....

I am convinced LBM's first word is going to be 'hungry.' Some days are better than others on the food front. But some days are so bad that there are major tears every time I appear from the kitchen with nothing edible in my hands. But for now, I am just persevering. Day by day at the moment. This morning, we managed to get all the way to 10.30am without a tantrum for food. This in itself is a major achievement. The first one usually happens 8.45am. That's 45 min after breakfast. And breakfast being pretty substantial in it's own right. So I offered him a bread stick. We shared an almost 'Lady and the Tramp' scene where we each took an end (his idea!) and met in the middle for a kiss. Too special. Until he realised it was finished of course and demanded another one. Loudly.

This week, we lived life on the edge. We re-attempted the swimming experience.  I know, I know! There were a whole lot of tears but this time we knew what to expect. And I even remembered to take a swimming nappy and.....yes.....and.... a pound for the locker. Punches the air! We felt vaguely in control until some older spoilt brat splashed us so bad I had to refrain from losing my temper in front of LBM. Earlier in the week at a toddler group, the older children were so mean and snatched toys away from him. Just what kids do I guess. He is not walking yet, so just sits there in a state of horror and dismay and then crawls off at a rapid pace after them. But with sadly no way of catching them. I glance round the room looking for the parents of these children. No-one seems to own up to them. Just as well.

On the Jellytot front, I haven't really given her much thought. Right now I just need to concentrate on LBM. Give him all I've got. LRUN is back to work tomorrow and it's just me and LBM from then on. Better stock up on those snacks. Except he is getting clever on the snack front. Lady Godiva popped in for a cuppa and just as she was tucking into her slice of dark, sticky ginger loaf, LBM tossed his healthy snack aside and made a bee-line for her cake. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

A box of memories......

It's a tough day. The stress levels between LRUN and I are unmeasurably high. Firstly because Christmas is rapidly approaching and all I have done so far is made some mince pies which LRUN has practically eaten all of already. But also because we have a big decision to make. Things are powerfully tense but we don't want LBM to pick up on this so we soldier on. Miss Scarlett's visit goes well. She stays longer than normal. Why do these social workers seem to be so comfortable in my home? She too is fascinated by my pom poms. All in all she is very pleased with LBM's transition and we chat casually about the joys of parenthood. Eventually, I feel we need to broach the subject of the new Jellytot. We explain we just don't feel ready to make this decision and will they let us have more time. She empathises with us and says she will certainly request this. But we still need to call Miss Delia. I make LRUN do it. I'll only come across as being too enthusiastic. He explains we are cautiously interested but need more time. She seems happy with this. Jellytot's final care order is only due in January so we have a bit more time. Time to process our thoughts. To do what is right for LBM. For us as a family. I am feeling hugely emotional.  And the tears come freely. I take LBM and the dogs down to the marina for a sunset walk. It is the most amazing evening. Big skies. Perfectly calm. We witness the most incredible sunset and my spirits are already lifted. Tomorrow is another big day. We are meeting the Fairy godmother and I'm nervous. I feel it is too soon for LBM and I am worried about him. But they assure me it is the right thing to do.

We meet amongst the deep red autumnal leaves in the park in town. LBM instantly recognises her and Baby Button. He smiles and giggles and we chat over lunch about him and how he is settling in. She hand us his memory box. A huge box filled with all his treasures. I give her a thank you card. Tucked inside are some restaurant vouchers for them to enjoy as a family together. As we go to leave,  she kisses those irresistibly kissable cheeks of his and I can see the tears forming in her eyes. LBM seems disinterested. She is sombre and turns to go. I ask her if it's ok if we keep meeting up and her eyes light up. She really misses this little guy.

It's a crazy afternoon and it's only when LBM is tucked up in bed that I remember his memory box. We pour a huge glass of wine and open it cautiously. It's filled with cards, photos, clothes and memories from his time with the Fairy Godmother. She has done an outstanding job. There are even a few photos of him with the Jellytot. Ok, to be fair, he has her in a head-lock but it's a sibling photo none-the-less. Right at the bottom is a small gift bag from his tummy mummy. We peer inside and find a tiny trinket. There engraved in the centre it says, " I will always be with you" Wow...hold those tears. Hold them!

Sunday, 1 December 2013

More LBM magic....

It's not that we don't get on with our neighbour. Well, ok it is exactly that actually. She's the grumpiest women I have known on earth. Ever. Well then you would be too I guess if you only had 42% of your teeth and a beard that would challenge even Jack Sparrow. She never says hello. The most I get is a kind of a Gruffalo grunt as she shuffles past our back door. This morning, however, the door was open whilst I was struggling to hoover up the mountain of dog hair that seems to accumulate on a daily basis. Why did we buy a house with cream ceramic floor tiles again? Somebody shoot me. She shuffled past the door and stopped. "Have you got a new addition to the family?" she asked. Now I would usually automatically assume she was just being nosey. I expected it wouldn't have been long for the word to spread like wildfire around the village.  But she actually seemed genuinely interested. She asked a few questions about him and then turned to shuffle off. But then she stopped, turned back and said " I have just one thing to say..." Oh lord, I thought, here we go. But she took me by surprise and said "What a wonderful Christmas present to you. Congratulations to you both." Oh my hat...I was speechless. The women does in fact have a heart and soul and it's taken the arrival of LBM to bring them out in all their glory. Wow.
Our other neighbours are a delight and they are so excited about him. They have already donated a pile of kiddie books for him to enjoy. Well I say enjoy...he currently prefers to throw books on the floor. But you know, we'll get there. Baby steps...baby steps!

Miss Scarlett will be round early tomorrow and I expect will want to know our decision about LBM's sister. I want to say yes but LRUN is still not convinced this is the best thing for us. The thing is, I know he is right (it's annoying that he generally is) but sometimes life is all about taking risks, isn't it? Gah! I'm off to bake a Gingerbread Loaf to de-stress.