I remember talking to a fertility friend recently whose surrogate had suffered yet another miscarriage. She seemed fine and I remarked on how she was coping so well. She said something very powerful to me. "I am so used to the endless disappointment in this quest to become a family that these feelings and situations are just all too familiar now and something I know how to cope with. When this finally does work out for us, that is when I am going to need all the help I can get, because those feelings, I have no idea how to deal with!" And this, my readers, is exactly how I am feeling right now. I can't seem to accept that this may actually be working out for us. Am I being over-cautious? Is this emotional protection? It's been nearly six years and I just don't think I can cope with any more disappointment.
My sister has always said that anxiety ran in the the family and I thought -- what a load of old yeast! I am the most chilled out person I know. In fact, people have been known to check I was still breathing. But now, I feel I am going to have re-phrase. I am usually the most chilled out person I know. Now suddenly, on planet adoption, things are different. I can't sleep. I check my email and phone constantly. Not even the knitting or baking is helping, although I did rustle up a luscious chunky Victoria sponge yesterday with a silky raspberry jam filling and lashings of white chocolate buttercream and a light dusting of.....anyway..I digress...back to being anxious: I am already worrying why Miss Delia has not given us any feedback after her meeting on Thursday with LBM. Surely just a one liner saying how she felt assured he was the right match. Maybe even a hint of how cute he was? Nope, all we got was a formal, no frills email setting up an appointment for a weeks time with his social worker. I find myself reading into this, worrying. Is this a bad sign? Is this a good sign. Why no personals? I am left with a whole week to analyse this. I google the definition of anxiety and now I feel even more anxious. Aah that love/hate relationship with google. Why do we do it to ourselves? I'm now anxious about being anxious. This is absurd. I just want to click 'proceed to checkout' on my Amazon wish list. I want to remove the word 'potentially' from every adoption conversation we have. I just want this to happen.
Incidentally, my friend's surrogate is beautifully pregnant and a special little baby is on the way. And yes, we did have to pick her up off the floor!
|Introducing...white chocolate buttercream|