About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Friday, 29 November 2013

Blessed and stressed....

It's been just over a week and although there have been tears and tempers, I can honestly say I am so in love with this little guy. Miss Boobylicious commented today that it feels like we've always had him. And it does. Like he's always been our little boy. Today he appears very happy and settled. We took him into the office to meet the girls and within minutes, he had them all smitten. His giggles are infectious and if you laugh back, it becomes a game and he can laugh for hours.
I have no idea who is out there looking out for me but I would like to thank them for bringing us all together. This is such a magical coming together of souls. Feeling blessed.

On the new baby front, we are no further forward. We have until Monday to decide. If it was down to me, I would already have said yes but LRUN is my level headed-ness. My responsible-ness. My rock. He is not keen. He is worried about finances. Heck, we don't even know if we can manage as we are with one child, let alone two.  It's a tough call and we have lots to think about. I know, no matter what, she will be fine. She will go to another loving, deserving adoptive family. But here is an opportunity to give LBM a half sibling. Would he care? I honestly don't know. Feeling stressed.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Stay and play....

We welcome Miss Delia back into our home to assess how LBM is getting on. As predicted, he is putting on his best charms. In truth, I've hidden the fire engine. She is happy with his adjustment and his attachment to us is developing well. She stays for ages and seems completely comfortable in our home. She comments on how amazing his room looks and she asks how I made the tissue paper pom-poms hanging from his ceiling. Who would have thought we would be bonding over crafts?

We talk about his hunger. His deep desire for food and milk. I have only given him slices of apple for snacks the last couple of days and he seems to be enjoying them. It's just the milk. I read in my 'font of all knowledge' baby guide that at one years of age, your toddler should be having 300ml of whole milk per day. This little guy was on just under 700ml of toddler formula a day when he joined us. In a week, we have cut it down to 500ml and counting but this does come with consequences. A very moody little boy. I try and nurture him through other ways. Party bubbles work a treat. As does water play. But this is tricky in the dead of a dark and chilly November. She has concerns that he is not yet walking and suggests we get him a walker. I may take Miss Boobylicious up on her offer and borrow hers. Even if it is pink.

LRUN and I decide to brave the local playgroup and we manage to make it there in time for the 9am start. LBM has a blast but is noticeably going through a destructive phase. Everything must be tossed, thrown or bashed down. I ask one of the other moms how you can curb this. She replies.."Hey, they're just boys. That's just what they do." I think I may feel at home here. It's snack time and I can feel my heart racing. Oh.....please don't let him steal all the other children's food. But he doesn't. He sits calmly on my lap and munches away at the cheese and biscuits they have on offer. If I'm honest, this could have gone a whole lot worse if he was actually left on his own in the circle but let's save that for another day.  In the midst of the closing parachute play, LBM ends up face planting on the mat and the tears are coming fast and furiously. I realise he is tired and just needs some time out, so we head back for an early lunch and a nap. Just as he goes down, the phone rings. It's Miss Delia. She wants to pop round later to talk to us about something. LBM's tummy mummy has had another baby. A half sister to LBM. Things are not going well and they want to talk to us about the possibility of taking her on. We knew this was coming. But just not so soon. LRUN is worried. We are soooo not ready. But I calm him down and say let's just listen to what she has to say. No decisions needed as yet.

Monday, 25 November 2013

A helping hand....

As much as I want to get into my own little routine here (so it is not such a shock when LRUN goes back to work) I worry this is not the best thing. LRUN is one of those people that has to be busy. All the time. He doesn't do 'just chillin.' Today, I have noticed that he is a bit grumpy and I guess may just be that little bit bored. So I let him do stuff. And not just the poo nappies. Honest. I let him push the buggy. I let him feed LBM lunch and put him to bed. This makes him so much happier. He feels needed. Wanted. Important. I was on a skype call to my sister and he said he would do the poo nappy. He did such a good job, that LBM actually rolled over and clapped handies. No kidding. He actually applauded his dad's nappy changing skills. Much to the hysterical laughter of the audience. So I have a few minutes to try these new Winter Cookies from the Barefoot Contessa. Jam Thumbprints. A batch is currently in the oven filling the house with toasted coconut smells. Sure beats dog and baby poo.
It's going to be tough on both of them when LRUN goes back to work. He will leave the house before the LBM is awake and will return after he has gone to bed. 5 days a week. Social services didn't seem to care about this. They were more worried about me coping on my own. I will be fine (well.. mostly) but poor LRUN is gonna miss his little boy a lot. Maybe we could do a skype bed time story on the train journey home. All depends if LRUN wants to risk shattering his manliness in public. Pinky Ponk versus the new Landrover Defender. That should be entertaining. Snigger.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Mr Lover Boy....

Gulp! Today is my first day alone with the little guy. LRUN has a mud-inducing Landrover event and it's just me and my little boy all day. This could go one of two ways and doesn't start well when I only give him 1x Weetabix for breakfast. But soon after breakfast, I keep him distracted as we are out the door and off for a walk around the marina with the dogs. I've got to get into my own routine of doing this as LRUN will be away at work soon all day. The walk is a hit. LBM is in a good mood but this may have something to do with the Organic Carrot Bar he is munching on. But none-the-less, he chuckles away to himself watching the dogs chase each other. I feel organised. On top of things. Heck, I even manage to remember to lock the car.

I drop the dogs off at home and decide to give the supermarket a go. LBM is getting whiny and I give in and bribe him with a small biscuit.  Damn you LRUN. I also end up pushing the trolley backwards. Two minutes later and the biscuit has disappeared. I am still not sure if he did eat the whole thing or if he has in fact dropped it in the greeting card aisle. I let him play with my keys. As usual a hit and check me out, I even remember to tie them to the trolley to avoid any disasters. I chat to the check out lady and I find myself admitting to her this is my first trip out alone with him. She is smitten with him and we talk for ages about adoption. It's a girl thing. Just yesterday in John Lewis, a little girl had fallen for him. He didn't seem to give two hoots about her. He was a man on a mission crawling down the toy aisle, disrupting all the Xmas shoppers. He has this cute little pose when he rolls over onto his side and bends his leg. Which I guess can only be compared to a 'Keith Lemon' lounge. Just add a tash and bit of leopard print and the ladies are there!

So my friends, so far so good. But we are only half way through the day. I intend to spend the remainder of the day teaching him not to throw food at the dog.

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Mr Grumpy....

So with each new day he gets more and more grumpy. Poor little man, I think it has finally hit him that he is never going back to the Fairy Godmother and Baby Button. And I'm not sure he's happy about that. He seems to be his most cheerful when either eating, bathing or sleeping. Anything else in between is a bit hit and miss. I fear he may have another tooth cutting through. Either that, or he just doesn't like us. But we will persevere. There are happy moments. He finds daddy's burps hilarious. When I pretend to flip pizza dough with his dinner cloth, his giggles fill the house. We sing songs, clap handies and the world is good. But then minutes later, his world appears to have ended. Right now, he is not even sleeping. He is whining to himself in his cot. I go in to check on him and he wants to get out. I gently place him back down, give him his blankie. He goes nuts. So I leave him. And he starts to calm down. Gah! Is this the controlled crying that social services say "we simply do not do, ma'am."

We'd walked around the lake this morning in his buggy to see the ducks, which to be honest, he didn't seem to give two quacks about. Next week, we are going to try some toddler groups. Show him that there are other people in this world other than us and two stressed out dogs. Hopefully this should cheer his soul up. Heck, we may even attempt the swimming debacle again. But then again...maybe not?

Friday, 22 November 2013

You, me and dupoo.....

Another sleep packed night. Long may it last my little one. Feeling very blessed about this as I know many mums who are so exhausted only to face another night of zero sleep. But I will say, he is even more unsettled this morning. Many... many...tears. His social worker was due any minute and he was having one of his 'moments.' Hmmm...I thought...this is not going well. But he was on his best behaviour for her and she seemed happy with his progress. Although once again he did his best to drown her out with the noisy fire engine. Interesting that the Fairy Godmother was happy to send him off with the noisiest toys. I think he is just dehydrated and so we keep offering him his water all morning. He usually takes one sip and throws the rest over himself and the dogs. But we persevere and make sure he gets enough. I will say, his mood did improve but that may have been lunch or the fact that he managed a long awaited poo. See, taking after his daddy already.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Getting to know you...

After a dynamite poo explosion (good call by me to announce it was 'daddy's turn) and a few minutes of the In the Night Garden, we took our little boy upstairs for his first night. LRUN was still chuckling to himself about the 'titifers' characters from the Night Garden but we managed to remain serious and bed time was a breeze. Stepping back, we both looked exhausted. Not physically, more emotionally. It's been an intense day. But a quick supper and 90 min of Jack Whitehall comedy and lots of dog cuddles and we were going to be just fine.

LBM sleeps soundly all night. I hear him stir at 3am and again at 4am but they are gentle rustlings and he soon settles. I wake at 6.45am in a panic. OMG, I have a baby in the house. I need to get up. But he is still sound asleep. I eventually go in at 7.15am and he takes ages to wake up. We talk about what he dreamt about and do morning stretches (well, I do them and talk to him while he listens intensely and giggles) My little boy. My precious little boy.

But my friends, it is not all roses and candy. Today, he is restless, grumpy and needy. Same as yesterday. He wants me, he pushes me away. He wants daddy. He doesn't want daddy. There are a lot tears but there are also a few laughs. We are still getting to know each other. I call the Fairy Godmother to report all is 'ok'. She appears to be coping. She admits she managed to keep it together throughout her grocery run but had a enormous meltdown as soon as she walked back in the door. She needed that. We laugh about how tidy her house suddenly is. And how mine now looks like a children's centre. She says she might do some baking today. I smile. She has no idea about my blog. I will keep writing, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps not as often as now but I need to spend some time getting to know the new little man in my world.
PS. I couldn't resist and managed to rustle up a batch of Oat and Raisin Cookies during his afternoon nap. Two reasons. A: I was having baking withdrawal symptoms and B: LRUN had eaten the entire Sponge Cake I made a few days earlier. Monkey.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

The big move.....

It's 7am. A miserable day with pouring rain. I'm on the sofa. Black dog is on my lap. And she's not small! She wants love this morning. Lots of it. She knows something big is about to happen. I drink my tea and gently stroke her fur. We have the difficult situation of her name sounding practically the same as LBM's. I tell her we may have to adapt her name slightly. She gives me that look as if to say, "FFS, no! I was here first. Why don't you change his name!" I think this needs more thought.
How am I feeling? Good actually. No doubt there are butterflies but it's not nervousness, it's excitement. I just can't wait. It's been a long six years and I just can't quite believe this day is finally here. LBM is coming home today. LRUN is upstairs 'having a sort out.' Well he's moving clothes about, if that's what he calls it?

We get to the Fairy Godmother and she is in the hallway holding LBM. There is a look of distress on her face. She says he's been a nightmare all morning. But we can't take him until Miss Scarlett arrives to witness the handing over. This was not part of her plan. She wanted us in and out within minutes and now we are having to hang around. She is getting emotional and panicky. Eventually Miss Scarlett arrives and the Fairy Godmother looks so relieved. She jumps up, grabs his chubby cheeks and says, "Goodbye Gorgeous Boy. Thanks for coming to stay with us for all this time. Love ya." The tears are streaming down her face and she is trying not to let him see. We race out the door, luckily using the rain as an excuse to get him to the car as quick as possible. Everyone is talking in high pitch fast voices and I worry about the little man. I talk calmly and quietly to him while I put him in the car seat. Encouraging him. Calming him. Everything's going to be ok.

We pull up into our drive and I don't really have a chance to savour the moment. We need to get him inside,  sort the dogs and avoid the rain. He seems happy to be here again. We let him crawl around doing his own thing. Marking his territory. It's soon lunchtime and I encourage LRUN to retreat to his man-den shed. I need to figure this out on my own. How do I keep a moving toddler safe while making him lunch? I place him in his high chair and let him watch a few minutes of Baby Einstein. It's a hit and he is enthralled and learning about shapes. Lunch, as always is hoovered. He is not in the mood for playing....he spots his blankie and starts rubbing his eyes. Currently, my avid readers, our little boy is asleep upstairs in his room. In other news....the dogs have had double feeds again today.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Super trooper.....

Phew, big day today. It's the review meeting at 10am and when we get to the Fairy Godmother at 9.30am, LBM is full of energy. He senses something is up and is acting very unsettled. Slowly, one by one, the social workers start arriving. Squashed into the lounge we sit amidst a sea of toys and the attention is all on LBM. My heart goes out to him, he is not happy and is certainly restless. LRUN is doing his best to distract him but not even the daddy games are working. I just want them all to go away. So we can do our own thing. But I know this has to be done and so we solider on. LBM makes me chuckle as chooses the noisiest toys he can find (I am sure on purpose) to drown out anyone's comments while poor Miss Delia is trying to take notes. Some smarty pants then suggests we play our dvd as they think it is by far the best one they have seen so far and all want copies of it. Oh Gawd! Noooooo! But it entertains LBM for a second, so all is not lost. I think it's the particularly loud toy fire engine that he chooses next that sends everyone over the edge and they decided to call it a wrap. Poor little guy. He is a bag of mixed emotions.

We head out for a picnic lunch by the lake and he loves it. In essence, the food more than the lake but hey, he's happy. But on the way back to the car, it starts to all get too much for his little soul and he really is not himself. He's laughing, crying, blowing bubbles and whining all in the same breath. We need to get this guy home and warm and let him settle. Halfway home, we realise he has fallen asleep in the car seat. He has never done that before. Ever. What do we do now? We laugh. Keep driving? We take the risk and go home and try and settle him down for more much needed sleep. 15 minutes later and he is still awake....he is not crying, just awake and very active. I pop in to re-settle him and he has lost his blankie. I pass it to him and  tell him how much we love him and understand that today has been very hard so far. But he needs his sleep. He looks deep into my eyes like he understands but to be honest, sleep is the last thing on his mind. I leave him but I am not sure this is working. 50 minutes in and he is still awake. I give in and decide to go and sort his milk. When I return, I find him in the deepest of slumbers. He really is exhausted.

Later, after the crazy of hour of dinner (it went everywhere and yes, the dogs had two dinners tonight!) and bath time, we have to return him to the Fairy Godmother for the last time tonight. She is solemn. Their whole house is solemn. Gearing themselves up for the big goodbye tomorrow. She hands us a bag of toys and some clothes with tears in her eyes. I feel for her. 14 months he's been in her care. Her world. And now tomorrow...nothing. But he is foster child number 11, so I have all faith in her that she will be ok. She just needs to go throw the emotions of loss and grief. Between you and me, I'm a little worried about LRUN. He has been a trooper throughout all of this but tonight, he admits he feels stressed. I make him promise to just be honest with me and if he needs time out, he must take it. Me...? I'm ok actually. Heck, it's not going to be easy. Far from it actually. And the baking....? I'm already having withdrawal symptoms. But that little grin of his...it melts my heart. Gonna make it all worth it.

Monday, 18 November 2013

The smooch factor....

It's a 10am pick up this morning to spend the day with LBM. We pop in to work on the way to drop off some paperwork and everyone wants to know the juice. Boobylicious makes me feel so at ease when she relates her toddler swimming session story to mine and they are indeed not much different. There are more gifts waiting for us and I have to say Little Miss Rainbows, your present was totally awesome!

When we arrive, he comes to me quite happily. Big smiles all round. While I am talking to the Fairy Godmother about the schedule, he leans in and gives me a big sloppy kiss right on the lips. And then another one on the cheek. Unprovoked. Just on a whim. It takes everything in my power at this point not to start crying. We've turned a corner here. A few deep breaths and kiss for daddy and and we dash out the door, armed with his bag of favourite things. We're off to the supermarket to see how that goes and grab a few essentials. He's a true champion and loves it. LRUN appears to be having just that little bit too much fun and I have to ask him to stop pushing the trolley backwards so that LBM gets a better view. Purely as I don't want him to expect that from me on my own with a trolley load of groceries. It dawns on me how much I am going to miss LRUN when he goes back to work. He is such a hands on daddy and I know LBM will miss him terribly. Still, lets not worry about that just yet. We've got him for another 2 weeks.

We make it back in time for lunch which naturally, he polishes off. A quick play and then its nap time. White dog appears to be fine, in fact she is merrily chewing away at one of his Lego blocks. It's black dog who looks particularly put out. She is sitting on me. Right on top of me!
But LBM is in no mood for a nap today. It takes me a while to settle him. I try reading him a story which seems to have the opposite effect as he stands in his cot blowing bubbles and giggling. Eventually I just leave him. He is not crying, just excited and he eventually settles. Miss Delia is on her way and I look around the house. Chaos! I really need to figure out how to change those massive poo nappies without using half a packet of wipes. (You know the ones I mean, the ones that seem to ooze halfway up his back! How is that possible?)  He wakes while Miss Delia is still here and she is totally smitten by him. It's been a while since she's seen him and he is working his charm on her. I tell her she has come up trumps and she blushes. She knows she has done good.

The afternoon goes well and we manage a last minute walk in the buggy in the drizzle at dusk.  Geesh, this would be so much easier in the summer. Dinner of my infamous toddler Cheesy Peasy Pasta is a winner and we get him back to the Fairy Godmother in time for bed. He is tired today. We play games but he decides enough is enough and snuggles in with his blankie. Bless his little heart. Sleep tight little one. Another big day tomorrow.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Hot diggidy dog.....

It's our lie in morning for the week but I'm wide awake by 6am. Already thinking about LBM. His cute little giggle. The way he instantly pulls his socks off the moment you put them on. His perfect long eyelashes. His smelly bum. He's due here at 11am and I'm feeling nervous. It's a big day for him and I can't help worrying about how stressful this must all be for him. It's his first visit here. Gah! I hope the dogs will be ok. Especially the white one. She's needy.

To fill the time, I whip up a bog standard Chunky Victoria Sponge to keep on standby for any visitors in the week. The Fairy Godmother arrives a little early and LBM looks a little unsure of where he is. She says she is worried about him as he has been very clingy all morning. She wants us to take it easy and just see how he settles. But he comes to me willingly and settles on my lap quite happily. He must recognise the house from the dvd and probably expects me to burst into song any minute. LRUN appears from upstairs (you guessed it!) and the look on LBM's face was too precious. He goes all shy and bursts into a fit of giggles. Oh, I think he'll be just fine. We let the dogs in and they go crazy. The black one is doing some kinda weird leopard crawl thing towards Baby Button (the other little one they have in their care) and I have to pull her away for fear of death of baby by licking. They master a quick goodbye and we wait for LBM to kick off. But he doesn't. He seems quite content. Besides, this new 'mummy lady' is making him lunch. Food pleases him big time and we have to be careful here. But that's for the future. Right now, I need him to trust me and to know that I will never let him go hungry.

We skype my sister and she gets to see this adorable new little person in my world. He listens to her intently and they form their own little cyber space bond. He settles in for his nap with minimal effort (ok, so it was technically on take 2 when we remembered to put all his familiar things into the cot before we put him in) And there he stays for 2 hours. 122 minutes to be exact. Sound asleep. LRUN is drilling safety catches onto kitchen cupboards and LBM remains in a deep slumber. I can't wait to wake him (remind me of this in a few months time please!) When I do, he is so cute and sleepy, I fall in love with him even more.

We have an afternoon stroll around the marina and an old lady comes over to admire what I am sure will be LBM. Instead she appears to have fallen in love with white dog. Big time. She goes on and on about how beautiful she is. I am tempted to say..."But what about the baby? Look at the baby!!"  But you know what, this was white dog's moment and no-one was going to steal that from her. We come back for some play time. We play with the rain stick and the ball for a bit and the next minute he crawls over and climbs up onto me and comes up real close.  Face to face. We gaze into each others eyes for what feels like ages. Very. Special. Moment. After a super speedy supper and bath (admittedly with a few tears) we have to take him back to the Fairy Godmother for the night. It's such a strange feeling. Like we're leaving him at a babysitters. I don't want to leave him there. I want him home with me. With us. Be patient MITB. Tomorrow is another day.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Notes from the deep end...

Here's a scenario. Let's go swimming. Let's go somewhere we have never been before doing something we haven't done for years. Throw in a screaming distressed toddler and you get the picture. We made it to the pools with minimum stress (ok..ok... let's not talk about the Saturday morning Xmas shopping parking issues and the machine continuously spitting out all our parking money until I managed to flutter my eyelashes at an attendant to help this mummy in distress) At the entrance to the pools, the Fairy Godmother hands us a bag and says, " See you in there." They disappear off with their other little one before we have a chance to say anything. LRUN and I stand and stare at each other. We look into the bag and both say,  "So now what?" This is too funny. Literally the blind leading the blind. We have no idea! We watch the other families and realise there are things called "family cubicles." The word family is by far an exaggeration unless your family consists of 2 hedgehogs! It's a squeeze and as we close the door, LBM kicks off big time. He is not happy. He has clocked the Fairy Godmother is no longer here and he is locked in small, stuffy, extremely warm room with a couple of weirdos who appear to be getting naked. We look in the bag and find something which I can only hope is the 'swimming nappy.' We magically get this on (the right way round? I am still not sure!) and look back into the abyss of the bag. We find the cutest set of trunks which discretely cover his chubby thighs. Sorted. However, throughout all of this, LBM is screaming so loud, I fear social services can hear him and are already on their way. We manage to somehow figure out their locker system and get him into the pool as quick as possible. He is still not happy. He clocks the re-appearance of the Fairy Godmother and calms down a smidgen. Enough to mildly enjoy a half hour of swimming before the entire process kicks off into repeat as we leave. I hand him my car keys half way through this serious melt down and he instantly calms down. Result. Piece of cake!

We return after his nap and the afternoon is a much calmer affair. The Fairy Godmother suggests we all go out for a meal and this goes surprisingly well. I have a real mummy moment when I am left to order his meal. The best I can find on the menu is sausages, potatoes and peas which he instantly hoovers. (although we did find 2 peas in his nappy later?) He starts to play up and tries to continuously throw his cup on the floor. I step in and stand firm and say No. I am very aware of the Fairy Godmother's eyes on me. Is this appropriate? Can I step in and apply discipline, when technically she is still in charge?  Who cares because it slowly starts to work, he gazes into my eyes, taking in every word and eventually...stops doing it.

Bedtime is a breeze. LRUN is getting good at this. Well, there's only one small melt-down when mummy and daddy struggled to get your one-sie on properly and daddy referred to your hands as 'paws'.  LBM is knackered. Sleep tight my little one, tomorrow is going to be a stonker. You are coming to your new home for the first time. Now, that's gonna be a learning curve.

Friday, 15 November 2013

Mama mia....

I don't sleep well. I keep waking up with his little face on my mind. I wonder if he's awake? I doubt it...this kid can sleep! But the alarm soon stirs me and we are up and on the road at sparrows fart in order to get to him for wake up time.

We sneak into his room and he's only just awake. Just adorable and all sleepy. I just want to cuddle and kiss him all over. But he's not a cuddly baby. He's pretty independant actually. I guess he had to be. We get his milk ready and chill out on the sofa while he guzzles this. He holds my hand. Tightly. After lots of play and giggles, it's nappy time. I sense its a brown one and suggest LRUN has a go. He twigs my game and says no, lets tag team this one. It's a stonker. Poo central. Best get used to this, we laugh. We do a morning bath session and we all end up drenched. LBM is a champion and even lets me wash his hair. He gazes into my eyes while I do this and I can feel a teeny bit of trust building already. After a marathon drying session of those Michelin Man thighs, we head off on a walk. He suddenly becomes very subdued. I realise that the intensity of what is actually happening is finally hitting home to him. He stays that way until we get back to the Fairy Godmothers where he perks up again. Back in his familiar surroundings. Home. He has a real strong attachment to her and breaking that bond is going to tough. Now, I wouldn't get too excited about the 'Mama' thing. She asked him to give mama a kiss and he kissed her, not me. But you know what, that didn't upset me. It was beautiful to see. She was there for him when his tummy mummy couldn't be. That bond, that special form of love, no-one can change.

Lunch is a chilled out affair. He loves his food and merrily chomps away at the spread on offer. We play with some soap bubbles and the look on his precious little face as the bubbles burst on his nose is priceless. We lay him down for a nap (after plenty more giggling) and wave goodbye. Love you lots little one. Lots and lots like jellytots. See you tomorrow...I'm off to buy toddler milk and redbull. Lol!

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Ch ch ch changes.....

After a brief meeting at the County Council building with Miss Delia to receive yet more paperwork Really guys...I am on lever arch file no.3 already?) we head off to meet the new man in our lives. For our world to change forever.

It's a squeeze on the driveway and I reach in the back to grab the lemon drizzle loaf I made (yes..yes..boring I know but who doesn't love a bit of lemony loveliness) I look up and see LRUN is already on the doorstep with LBM in his arms. They are both smiling. Huge big happy adorable smiles. We spend the morning playing and getting to know each other but I can honestly say, LBM totally recognises us from the photos and dvd. We all hit it off.  I am a little concerned that the other little one the Fairy Godmother has in her care also recognises us and has some sort of strange bond with me already but I have to try and ignore his needs and concentrate on LBM. His favourite pass time is getting into a position that can only be described as a yoga 'downward facing dog' and then waits for us to lift him over into some kind of weird Eskimo roll. And again..oh...and again. "Gosh, I bet you didn't sleep last night?" says the Fairy Godmother. Nope, we both sleep really well actually. She is taken a back by this...she didn't sleep at all last night. How can we be so relaxed? She admits to me she has already had a big cry. Released all the emotion of loss that she needs to. Now is our time to enjoy him. He crawls over to me and looks me dead in the eyes and says 'Mama'. The room goes silent. Did we just hear correctly? Nah. Must be a co-incidence? Surely? Unless this running for president campaign thing really does work on on a 14th month old?

The morning is filled with laughter, love and smiles and believe it or not there are no tears. Well, only a few from LBM when he realises he is hungry and panics that we weren't part of his food routine. But quick as a flash, lunch was served and the tears were history. We put him down for his nap but this little man who can normally sleep for England, was in no mood for some shut eye. There were way too many exciting things going on. LRUN and I struggle to be serious as LBM is giggling so much, we just have to join in. We eventually have to leave him to settle and say goodbye. Downstairs, we soon could hear his deep slumber. Until tomorrow my little one. Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

The lion sleeps tonight....

I am so excited, I am in fact bordering on being annoying. Well my readers, today is the last day of it just being me. Tomorrow, it will be us. I stopped off at a new cake and coffee room in town and savoured the moment with the most delicious Apple and Cinnamon Cake and tea whilst pouring over their stock of baking books. It inspired me so much that the rest of the day then progressed onto more last minute panic buying. This time of baking ingredients. I must bake something to take to the Fairy Godmother tomorrow. But what to bake? What to bake?

We are due at the County Council building at 10am and then off to meet our LBM at 11am. Eeeeeek! One more sleep.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

I just haven't met you yet.....

I'm feeling exceedingly organised this week. I've been to the supermarket and bought equal and vast quantities of wine and nappies. Driving home I tune into an interesting talk on the radio on IVF. Women are talking about the pressures of the treatment. Both financial and physical. They talk about how they are never really explained the low rates of success and yet feel the pressure to just keep trying. All they want is a baby. It takes over their lives, puts a strain on their marriage and empties the bank account. My eyes begin to fill with tears. I have to pull over. It brings back so much heartache and I feel so much emotion for these women. That was me not so long ago and here we are with  just 2 more sleeps to go until we meet our precious little boy. I just can't quite believe it....

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Guilty pleasures......

I am revelling in the fact that whilst on maternity leave I, unlike most heavily pregnant women at this stage, still have the energy to run around and get organised without feeling tired, rundown or suffering from indigestion or lack of sleep. I tell you, this adoption thing is a no-brainer. The way forward.

Miss Scarlett calls me at home on Monday and I immediately go into panic mode. Something is wrong, this is all not going ahead. But no, she just wants to suggest we buy a blanket for LBM that we can sleep with and take with us to introductions. Just in case, he and Lucas the Lion don't hit it off as mates straight-away. I will admit, I'm becoming rather fond of that little lion. So why do I always assume the worst? Why can I not just allow myself to accept that is all really happening? Another thing I have noticed about myself this week (heck, I've had a lot of time to think) is that I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. That for some reason I don't deserve all this happiness. All this attention. All this love. I feel uncomfortable and guilty about receiving gifts from friends. Oh and believe me, they are still coming. Why can't I just learn to receive? I spend a little too much in Matalan on myself and feel enormously guilty about it! Why? In all honesty I don't know. I'm sure there is some deep and meaningful psychology in there somewhere. But for now, I just don't know.

I call The Fairy Godmother and she tells me LBM is doing just fine. She loved our dvd and says it's brilliant and that she's never seen anything like it. Eek, is that a good thing? Thankfully LBM loves it too and bops away to the chorus when LRUN and I dance around the lounge like lemons. She says she realises now that this is a perfect match. She sends me a photo of him clapping his hands and it literally lights up my heart. I send it to LRUN. He prints it out and sends me a photo of his desk, saying "oh no, I've turned into one of those parents (yes...parents!) who have pictures of their kids on their desks." This melts my heart and I cry a little. But they are happy tears. He has wanted this for so long and I have always felt so guilty (see....here we go again!) that I could never give him that. I have never seen him so happy.

I'm tempted to fill my freezer with baked delights for any drop in visitors and social workers over the next few weeks. But for some reason I don't. I end up making something just for us. Something slow and bountiful. Something autumnal. Butterscotch Apple Mini Galettes. These, my friends, are amazing. Oh and served warm, with cold, creamy vanilla ice cream......simply dynamite.

Just add ice cream....

Monday, 4 November 2013

Oh my giddy aunt......

It's my last day in the office. I need to write that again. It's my LAST day in the office. After six years of being a part of many other people's last days in the office, the emotions I am feeling are enormous. They spoil me rotten. They cover my desk in balloons and stars, take me to lunch, shower me with gifts and flowers. But there's a catch. I have to make the tea, bring cake and do my own filing. My boss gives a speech and it's all very emotional but I walk down to the car park grinning like a Cheshire cat.
The weekend is crazy and the m&m's are coming to stay with mini m&m. LRUN is so happy to see Mr m&m again and they bond all weekend talking baby stuff, although I do catch them occasionally ogling over camper vans on ebay. It's Sunday and I'm having a little LBM appreciation soiree at Miss Curly Wurly's. Just her, Boobylicious and Sailor Bunny. Just the four of us. Like the old days. There will be cake and wine. Heck, I'm there. We wave a sad goodbye to the m&m's and LRUN offers to drop me off so I can enjoy some wine. He's acting a bit odd en-route and announces at the last minute he needs to pick up something from the shop. I'm thinking Rennies (there was alot of food consumed this weekend) He turns the corner and randomly heads into the car park of the village hall and there...before my eyes....are a sea of  friends all bursting with surprise baby shower excitement. My jaw drops and my eyes start to well with tears. I'm somehow keeping it together until, amongst the crowd of faces, I spot Blue Eyes and Elaine Page. What proceeds can only be described as well,  ugly crying. These are two very special friends to me who have travelled a long way to get here! Someone hands me a cocktail (thank you to whoever that was!) I try and pull myself together and then I spot AAA and Mrs Fraig. More blubbing follows.  How have they managed to get all these special people in my life together here. I look over at LRUN and he smiles that cheeky smile. Yikes, he's been in my emails.
Inside, the hall is adorned with bunting and games and all my favourite people. The tables are heavily laden with food. I stand and stare gormlessly. I can't quite believe this. There in the middle of the hall is a trampoline....piled high with gifts for LBM. Lady Godiva sets me a challenge which involves cake, cocktails, 25 star jumps on the trampoline (to prove I really don't need that Tena lady) and a nappy changing challenge. I fail miserably on the latter by somehow managing to put the nappy on backwards...oh my giddy aunt! Oh it'll be fine...we'll just wing it! It takes forever to open the gifts. There are even gifts from back home. Wrapped in those familiar envelopes, battered and adorned with foreign stamps. Travelling snail mail to get here. This little 'soiree' has been in the planning for a very long time! How have they managed to keep this a secret? Packing up, the Land Rover is full to the brim and we head home and unload all his gifts inside. I sit down amongst a sea of HappyLand and Lego and quietly read each and every card and note, taking it all in.  LBM is one lucky little boy.

Cute as a button - last day cupcakes