About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Friday, 31 January 2014

I must be barking mad.....

I fear it may be easier if I had a little one who didn't sleep well. This would give me a reason to be wide awake from 3am. My head is spinning with what is actually happening in my life right now. Taking on two little ones under 18 months old? Throw in two needy dogs and I must be barking mad.

On the home front, LBM's food issues have not improved. This week reached a crescendo at toddlers when he literally ate his body weight in cornflakes and rice crispies in the 'messy play' and then reverted to a melt-down when his plate at snack time was finished and I wouldn't let him steal all the other children's portions. I tried to take him outside to the near-by swings as a distraction. Good idea? I thought so... but sadly it was pouring with rain and so we had to abandon that plan and come back inside. Back inside where he could see all the other children still enjoying their snacks. This my friends, did not end well. So I have made the decision not to go to the toddler groups for a while. It stresses me out, he is unhappy and on reflection, why put ourselves in these situations? There are plenty of other activities we can enjoy that do not revolve around 'snack time.' Or are there? Most parents are struggling to get their kids to eat, so you will be amazed at how everything revolves around food for little ones. Just a mention of the word 'snack time' stresses me out. So next week's challenge is to try a few new groups. Maybe a sing along at the library. A trip to the zoo even.

But breaking news is that today is decision day on Jelly-tot. I am shaking as I draft a text to Miss Scarlett saying 'yes' but explaining that we need a few things confirmed next week regarding support etc. I take a deep breath and press send. There. That's it. I've done it now. Gah! She texts me straight back. I can tell she is excited. Way too excited.

I would like to take this moment (while I have it) to say thanks for all the support and messages I have been sent on this blog. You have no idea how uplifting and encouraging your comments and supportive messages are. A big fat juicy thank you.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Will the real LBM please stand up.....

It's that time of year again when I start my gratitude journal. Each day I find something to be grateful for. Through each grim, dreary rainy day there are always things to be happy about. It encourages me to sit back, reflect and enjoy the simple things in life.  I guess this is because life with LBM is getting tough. Just when I think I get to know him, he changes again. Like all toddlers really. Perhaps it's a growth spurt, perhaps its just him being a stroppy toddler but each day brings new challenges. Just when I thought we had turned a corner on the food front, it gets a whole load worse. I am torn between offering him food all the time in the hope that it will eventually lose it's 'novelty' OR  keeping to a strict routine of 3 meals and set snack times. Torn. Completely torn. LBM becomes increasingly frustrated as he thinks I don't understand when he wants food. I have tried talking to him explaining that I do understand but it's not snack time yet. This seems to makes things worse. The more I think about it, the more I think he would benefit from having a sibling. Another person to interact with. Jelly-tot's report arrived and it all looks pretty straightforward. Are we crazy to pass up on the chance of a 5 month old baby. Miss Scarlett calls and explains that they have won the court order and we need to give a final answer by Friday. She asks what our initial thoughts are and I tell her a cautious 'yes.' She squeals with excitement but emphasises that we don't need to commit until Friday. Saying that, even if we do give a 'yes' on Friday, we still have to be re-assessed and they might decide that this is not the best outcome for LBM or Jelly-tot. Yes, folks, welcome to the world of adoption. Nothing is guaranteed.

Friday, 24 January 2014

A glass of whine.....

LBM has a new approach to his daily desires. Whining. The tears I can handle but geesh, this whining pulls at a whole new set of heartstrings I didn't even know I had. And he knows that. I tried to explain to him last night that the only whine we were allowed in this house was Sauvignon blanc. I'm not sure he got it. So I have two approaches. One is to ignore it which doesn't seem to work. The second is a hard stare off until one of us burst into giggles. I fear this too doesn't really curb the issue but it's kinda fun. On a positive note, his constant demands for food are slowly getting better. LRUN had an epiphany and suggested that when we get home at a difficult time, I should go in through the front door, thereby bypassing the kitchen. This seems to have worked a treat. However, let's not delve into the incident at toddlers this week when he stole all the other kids food at snack time. "Weeps gently."

Miss Delia is due today and rings the bell just as LBM is stirring from his afternoon nap. I make her a quick cuppa tea and cut her a big fat wedge of Victorian sponge. I find myself simultaneously apologising that it may not be my best as I had to make it with a toddler hanging off my leg. Hopefully the lightly scented orange buttercream and sticky raspberry jam oozing from the middle will save it. She tells me to stop apologising. It is in fact delicious. I bring LBM downstairs. He is subdued.  Very subdued. He did have a busy morning at toddlers so maybe he is still knackered?  He is very quiet. After 20min, he suddenly has an instant meltdown and screams the house down.  I try everything to distract him but it's fruitless. In desperation, Miss Delia tries all her 'let's stop the baby crying' techniques but it only makes it worse. He buries his face in my chest and continues to cry for a very long time. So I just hold him. Closely. I eventually try my last ditch attempt of bringing the dogs in and he finally starts to settle. I wonder if he associates her and her meetings with him being moved on again. Or maybe I am reading too much into it. Miss Delia is strangely pleased that he is seeking comfort from me but at the same time I can sense her concerns. "How will you cope with another little one when he clearly needs all of you right now. " she asks. "Same as everyone else in this world copes with more than one child" I say.  "Yes but there is only 11 months between them?" She says she thinks it is too soon for us to take Jelly-tot on but she will support us in whatever decision we make. I tell her I am not prepared to make a decision until we have received her CPR. Despite endless requests to Miss Scarlett, she has still not sent it to us. Miss Delia makes a quick phone call and it's sorted. Out for postage tomorrow. Simples. Tummy Mummy is contesting the court order anyway, so we have a bit more time. Five min before she leaves, LBM perks up. Whizzing around on his walker, waving goodbye. Smiling. But there are further tears throughout the evening and by bed time, he is exhausted. He falls into a deep slumber. It's been an emotional day for him.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Daffodils and deadlines....

I spotted something in the garden this morning. There peaking through the dark, dismal mud and mulch was the first sprouting of a daffodil bulb. Oh how happy this has made me. A mere glimmer of the spring to come. Even the man in the watch tower down in the marina stopped me the other day. He said, "You're a die hard little soul. No matter the weather, you are always out there with your buggy and the dogs, battling the elements."  But that's what it's all about it. Keeping the LBM out and about and busy. Food is still a major frustration for both of us and every day we face new challenges to manage it. It's harder when we are with other children, as I realise then just how much he does eat compared to them. And in fact, if one more person tells me he is fat, I fear I will actually punch them. But the look on his little face today, multi-tasking while munching on a stick of celery and whizzing around on his baby walker was just too precious.

Miss Scarlett popped in and despite his emotional distress, she was happy with him. It's amazing how relaxed he is with her. Then again, she is his social worker and she has been there for him since day one. 
Just as LBM is settling in for his afternoon nap, Miss Delia calls. At first I feel it is just for a chat and a catch up. I am very fond of her and she is so unbelievably encouraging. But she reveals this call has a purpose. We have until the 23rd Jan to decide on Jelly-Tot. Gulp. Why am I so torn on this? This is what we always wanted right? Right? Everyone else in the world manages with more than one child. I guess I am just panicking. I am on my own for long hours in the day with no family near for support. Sure, we have friends but these friends have their own lives and commitments. Practically and financially it makes no sense. Emotionally...well, that's a whole different story.

In other news, LBM was so much better with LRUN on Sunday that I managed to make a cake. Apples again I'm afraid. A long story but we have a batch that need using. So I rustle up one of my all time favourites. A good standby. The Dorset Apple cake. Subtly scented with fresh lemon that lifts it to a whole new level. Simply sublime.

Monday, 6 January 2014

We have a bake!

Well my friends, I have actually managed to make a cake this week. Admittedly in an embarrassing number of stages and it took me all day but I did it. There wasn't even a recipe to follow. It was one of those..."what do I have, what can I make" tray bakes and involved apples, cinnamon, walnuts and sugar. It's a bit dry and over-baked in a kind of a Paul Hollywood critical sort of way. Just needs a splash of cream..oh go on then. But heck, I managed to bake a cake and I am celebrating that fact. Ching Ching.

On the LBM front, he's OK.  It's been up and it's also been a bit 'Pete Tong' but then that's parenting for you, I guess. The Fraigs visit went fairly well. He was a little overwhelmed by their boys but I think he handled it all right actually. Especially as they played with all his toys. Right there in front of him. It was so lovely to see them. And listening to their tales of the boys Christmas morning excitement was just so special. Such a shame they don't live closer. But it was good to quiz Mrs Fraig over the logistics and the highs and lows of having two siblings 11 months apart. We still have lots to think about on the Jellytot front. Mrs Fraig, like us, has no family nearby to fall back on. Just something to add to the mix of thoughts and emotions.

LRUN is back to work today and now won't see LBM until Friday night. But he's going to go into his room tonight when he gets home and say goodnight anyway. I have photos of him in his toy box and we look at them often saying 'That's Dadda, he's at work. He'll be home soon.' Whether it works or not, who knows but I'm going with that for now. I can't wait to get back into the routine we had before. And to be honest, I think LBM is desperate for it. His regular toddler groups. Just being out the house and doing our usual stuff. Seeing the usual folk. Yes, we have friends but these friends have lived here for years and they all had family commitments over the festive season and so we never saw any of them. Our families are so far away that unless we travel, we never see them. Something social services always mentioned but I never realised, until now, the significance of. So, the tree is packed away, the decorations are boxed up, the Poinsettia needs watering and we are ready for a new year with new beginnings.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Go back to the start, do not collect £200....

We have a few days just me and the LBM. I do everything he wants and expects and when he wants and expects. I need him to trust me. LRUN is around but only for the fun stuff. I do everything else and it seems to be working. He is slowly starting to settle. Very slowly. Apart from when he's chasing me round the kitchen with his walker. He does that a rapid pace.

Miss Delia arrives and the dogs are so excited to see her, they go crazy. Laddering tights crazy. I pop the kettle on while inwardly cringing that I don't even have any cake to offer her. What is happening? We settle down and she asks how Christmas went? We are brutally honest with her. That we have had better Christmases. She looks sad. We talk about LBM's emotional distress. She is concerned but at the same time overwhelmed at how far he has developed in the 5 weeks we have had him. She says it's almost as if he has 'woken up.' I'm not surprised I say....woken up from a formula induced coma perhaps. She assures us we are doing everything right and that cancelling the family visit was definitely the right move. He plays quietly while we talk, regularly coming to me for assurance and kisses. He even lets LRUN play games with him. The moment she leaves, he bursts into tears. Here we go again. But we explain we will see Miss Delia again soon and he does settle.

Each day, we progress a little further. The weather is driving me crazy and the endless photos on the book of faces of friends back home enjoying the festive season with their little ones outside and in the sun pulls at my heart-strings. This is tough. But I have to make it work. This is my home now.
The Fraigs are coming round for a visit tomorrow. I warn them there is no cake. They may have to make do with a Tesco biscuit. Scandalous.