Secret thoughts of this prospective adoptive mother.....
1. I am angry with Miss Delia. As suspected she has cancelled our date for panel due to her not meeting her deadlines. Why Delia....when technically you had an extra month considering you have already delayed our panel once. What frustrates me even more is that I just can't express this rage for fear of being judged by her. I have to put on my nice, accepting face and just take this in my stride. Any amount of outrage is immediately noted as 'Oh, it seems they are not handling stress very well. This is interesting. Parenting adoptive children is super stressful. How do we feel about this? Ooh lets have a meeting and discuss it" Next, they'll be suggesting putting us on an anger management course.
2. They suggest we take time out for yourselves, go on a holiday they say, just the two of you. Not so easy when you need to use all your holiday allowance for social worker meetings, prep courses, child care experience volunteering days, and time off for LRUN when the little one does finally come home with us. Two weeks paternity leave just doesn't bode well for attachment parenting. Plus finances don't allow for it when you are saving for the time you will be off on adoption leave plus all the things we are going to have to buy to welcome a little one into our home. Switching from Waitrose to Aldis is not going to do the job of kitting out their bedroom, is it?
3. I feel resentful that I have to go through all of this just for some 'expert' to decide whether or not I can be a parent or not. Why do I have to prove myself to you and who are you anyway to know and understand how much love I have to give a child. To nurture them and show them a real life filled with love, fun, laughter, adventure and stability. Who are you anyway?
4. I lie awake at night in fear worrying that.... is this still what I really want? When you have to wait so long for something, you sometimes lose the desire for it. I worry that one day I will wake up and no longer actually care whether I become a mummy or not. I can totally understand how so many people pack it all in and pull out of this process.
5. I feel guilty that I am not giving my usual 110% to my job. I find myself not getting involved in new projects just in case we get lucky and are matched with a child quickly. I worry I will let my boss down if I am then not there to carry them through. I just don't have the passion anymore, I need some time out and just want to be at home with my family. Not at the beck and call of some rich people living their dreams, avoiding tax and spending their children's inheritance.
6. I'm annoyed that something so personal as wanting a family has become so public. Our bank accounts have been scrutinised, (yes yes I'm afraid that is another amazon purchase!) Our sex life analysed, our families, friends and ex partners contacted and grilled all because we just want to be a family. When couples decide they want to start a family, it's a very private decision. It's their little secret and the build up of excitement to the first scan when they can finally go public is so special. We'll never have that. It feels like every man and his dog know that I am infertile and that we are going through this gruelling process.
7. I am tired of being strong, accepting, determined and patient. I want people to understand.
Thats an extremely emotional blog. It pulled my heart strings to hear how you feel, I feel it with you. Yes it is public, very public and extremely unfair. But with us knowing all of this, you and LRUN know you are not alone. You dont have to put a brave face on it, what you have been through in the past up until present is enough to turn any sane person into being admitted on a permanent lodging to a little house down a lane in padded rooms.
ReplyDeleteStrength doesnt come from what you say & how you feel, it comes from within and that is why so many of us admire what you are doing and how, dare i say it 'coping' with the situation.
Being on the end of someone elses decision is ludicrous especially when we all know how good you would be as parents, however, the small majority of arseholes out there have made it hard for the 'wanabee' families like you.
Its hard to think any 16 year old can get lucky one night and have an immediate family where as you would give your right arm for it. We know its hard, you know its hard, in fact its so frustrating that i want to hit a brick wall (and i dont need anger management courses yet....)
In the end, when you settle down while your children are colouring in books after a long country side walk with the dogs and the LRUN you will look back and ask... was it all worth it? And i know you will both say yes and more than probably you would do it all again.
Keep writing, keep talking about it, and dont ever forget that each and every person who hears you/sees you/ hears about you is wishing this to happen so it will. In time.
I'm sending every positive thought your way and sending some damn friggin karma thoughts to Miss Delia.
Hugs, we are here for you Ex