About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Sunday, 8 February 2015

A time for thoughts......

A friend who has recently been approved as an adoptive parent (you know who you are Mrs Any Excuse for Bubbles) asked what was the biggest shock and adjustment when adopting and it got me thinking. While trying to be encouraging but at the same respecting her need for honesty, these are my thoughts:

a) Going from zero to hero in one day. Literally being handed a moving little person who is already past their first birthday and is well on the way to toddler-hood and who you are now totally responsible for. And let's not forget, a toddler that is heavily grieving for the loss of his foster carers. I didn't get to experience the early development of the birth child who alternates between crying and feeding and if you're lucky, some sleep. Add into the mix, I didn't have a clue what I was doing half the time. Sure, we did loads of prep on our adoption course but it was all emotional stuff. A far cry from your average ante-natal class. What's the normal amount to feed a toddler? How much milk should they drink and what type? Is that a normal poo? The first nappy I ever changed was during introductions. Shock horror.

b) Parenting a child who is nothing like you or your partner in personality. We are strong, confident, happy, creative and sociable people. To be matched with what turned out to be a shy and socially anxious little boy made for very hard times. I have always struggled to understand shy people and found this the hardest. I would welcome friends into my home with open arms and by the time I had boiled the kettle and gone to cut a wedge of cake, I would find my child hiding in a corner. So when in tough times, you need all the support you can get in terms of friends and social activities and groups, it turns out,  this very concept is what unsettles your little one. It can be very lonely. Make sure you have friends who will always be at the end of a text/email/phone for you. Mrs AAA I could not have done this without you. Hugs xx

c) Books versus instinct. I love books and the house is literally filled with them. I have read a zillion parenting books (to be fair, there was a ridiculous amount of time to kill just waiting during the 2 year adoption process!) but half the time, they really are not written for my little boy. "Read your child, not the books" is my motto. Saying that, my guilty secret is I still read them. Knowledge is power.

d) Finding your groove. I love all things creative. LBM not so much. Having to take that creativity and box it up and put it on a shelf for later is very hard. It's like removing part of your personality. I can honestly say I am not the same person. I had to find a new groove. One that worked for both of us. My husband and I love swimming. I can spend hours floating on a dam in the wild. LBM is terrified of water. I'll let you think about that for a while.

e) The jar of love. My jar of love was pretty full. There was my husband, my dogs, my family, my very special friends and let's not forget my love of cake. I now had to make room for a new person. I didn't know this person at all but yet was expected to squeeze him into this jar immediately. Let's just say we left the lid open for a while. But he now fits snuggly in there. Snug as a star in a jar.
f) Parenting after infertility: There is this hidden guilt amongst new mums. No-one likes to moan. I see it amongst my friends all with their own birth children. They've had a rough couple of days but when asked how things are going, they muster up a smile and say all is well but I can see them fighting back the tears. It's tough. Its really tough but we daren't moan amount it. The guilt is monumental. And believe me, this guilt amongst adoptive mums is even stronger. We have wanted this for so long, and everybody knows that, we daren't whinge at all about the monkey who was refusing point blank to get in the car yesterday when you were already running late for an appointment thanks to the last minute unexpected nappy change. The same monkey who screamed the place down in the supermarket because....well just because.

g) Being assessed, grilled, prodded and poked by what feels like every social worker that ever existed and then finally approved as an prospective adoptive parent and then realising that sometimes, you really suck at it. That!


  1. What an awesome post! Thank you - I feel infinitely better knowing I'm not the only one that felt/experienced all those things. The bits about parenting a child that's nothing like you are very true and came as quite a shock to me.

  2. Ive been on both sides, ive had 3 birth children starting when i married at 18, i then went onto adopt 2 more children when i was 35. I can tell you that neither is easy. Birth children isnt by any means a gentle introduction, one night you have sleep then the next 6 months you dont, thats not gentle its brutal! Toddlers can tell you or show you whats wrong, theyre less delicate than babies. But then birth children dont have the issues which my adopted toddlers had. Both from different parents and backgrounds but i could sleep and enjoy wine on those difficult days.

    All i will say to you is nobody is a natural parent, most of the time its an instinct. Don't waste time reading books, ignore the stats. Everyone is different. Nobody should be compared.

    Enjoy the toddler, time will fly so make sure you grab this most special time, dont spend it on stuff that simply doesn't matter.

    Talking of play, it doesn't matter if its with a car or laundry, mine hoovered all day every day. Probably because they watched me do it (i had dogs) and it hasn't affected them growing up.

    Finally, dont give yourself such a hard time. Youve done the hard bit getting here, take each day as it comes. Any child can challenge us the fun part is trying to win as a parent.

  3. I am offended with the gentle introduction comment if you're a birth mum! It's not gentle by any means and I wouldn't ever belittle an adoptive parent in any way so please don't do the same!

  4. I'm so sorry to offend...that was certainly not my intention, which is why I put it in quotation marks. Perhaps I should have chosen a different word. I have taken your comments on board and will amend the post.

    1. I know what you mean about the gentle introduction if you're a birth mum and the feeling that us adoptive mums have that we can't winge having waited so long after trying for natural children etc etc. I love your post and your blog in general. It really helps. I can identify with a lot of what you say and experience similar things. I can see that you didn't and don't mean to offend anyone.

  5. I didn't see what was there before but nothing you have ever written has been offensive, just the bare naked truth. Don't change for others comments, a blog is thoughts so unless your thoughts have changed, revert to the original. Keep up the good work x

  6. You are doing a fantastic job and shouldn't be so hard on yourself! Every parent feels guilty, I think guilt should be part of the description for parent in the dictionary! Just a friendly note to other readers... this wonderful, lovable lady would never mean to belittle anyone or their experiences and has been an amazing support to me and my little ones as she knows everyone has difficulties being a parent. Please go easy on her, especially as her thoughts and feelings are on here to help others going through similar adoption processes.

  7. Every parent has their questions about their children, none of us have done it before and every child is different so naturally we judge ourselves and others. What we have to remember is we are all trying to achieve the same goal! You clearly have a fabulous support network, so use them to help you through the difficult parts, that's what theyre there for!

  8. Ah thanks. You are an amazing mum who has been faced with some incredibly tough challenges. Our 2 couldn't be more different on the food front but socially are very similar. Your fab and a true friend. AXA x

  9. Thanks for the post I really enjoyed reading it. I'm on the path to adopting ;) I see the difference in a little "stranger" joining your family and carrying a baby for 9 months. There is a difference in that bonding albeit in an individual level x