New Year...new hope
With the New Year brings fresh new hope. We hear some wonderful news that Little Miss Rainbow has been approved at panel today. Seems they were fast tracked through as they are considering a disabled child. The Fraig's have finished their homestudy and are hoping to go to panel soon. I am totally comfortable with the pace at which things are progressing for us. This is either because I have just had the most mind blowingly amazing holiday with my family in Sunny SA or due to the fact that I have started to believe in divine timing. What will be will be and if things are delayed it is simply because our little one(s) are not ready for us yet.
LRUN has a single session with Miss Delia today and it goes well, although he forgets to offer her the oatmeal cookies. duh!

Tis the season to be jolly.....
I'm in mince pie mode..every year I end up making zillions of the little buggers and I am up to eyeballs in sweet, buttery pastry. So as a change, I make some mini chocolate brownies. I have a single session alone with Miss Delia today. We talk about and draw up my family tree which in itself is a mammoth task.  To my horror, in the midst of it all,  Miss Delia casually leans over and helps herself to a brownie. I stare in shock... The overwhelming sense of achievement I feel is a little worrying. All in all it's a very good session and I feel as though things are moving again but she does warn me that they are still considering putting our application on hold at some stage while LRUN gets used to the commuting thing. He is only due to start commuting at the end of February so who knows what will happen before then. I'm off to South Africa for Christmas to see my family and can't help thinking this could be the last time they see me without little ones...

tra-la-la-la-laaa

Yes!

A new friend.....
A friend introduces me to a new friend today. She lives just down the road, has previously adopted 3 boys from Suffolk Adoption Services and is well known to the Adoption team. I instantly warm to her over a bottle of Chenin Blanc in the local pub and we talk for hours about the reality of adoption. She is honest and funny and full of incredibly useful experience and information. We talk openly about parenting adoptive children and how different methods have helped her and her 3 boys. We cover backward facing prams, skin on skin contact, attachment, bonding and challenging behaviour.  We make plans to meet up again soon and I am ever grateful for my friend for thinking of me. When I mention her to Miss Delia in our next session, her eyes light up. She knows exactly who I am talking about and is delighted to hear we have been in contact. Massive brownie points to my friend for introducing her to me!

Confessing all to Miss Delia....
It doesn't go well. The disappointment in her face is overwhelmingly obvious. Even I can see she was thinking..oh this was going so well.  Our only saving grace is that we try and sell our best option of LRUN's commuting north on a daily basis as best we can and she desperately tries to accept it. She says she will have to discuss it with her line manager but the session is a gloomy one and we end on a sombre note. I am so stressed, I barely sleep. There is no option of him finding another job locally, we have to go with what we have. Our boss is overwhelmingly supportive and assures me they want to do whatever they can to help us.

Delia returns the following week to say that the authorities are wanting to put our application on hold until things settle down. I feel like screaming and crying but I somehow manage to hold it together. But she then explains that she has fought our corner as best she can and has got them to agree to continue with the assessment for now until further decisions have been made. She says we have huge potential and they would be shooting themselves in the foot by letting us go. She has a plan and she is clearly on our side. She says we need to focus on showing how I would cope if LRUN was away for an extra 4 hours a day commuting. Easy as far as I am concerned...that's just one less child to worry about. We all laugh but the seriousness of her comment sets in. Yes, it's going to be hard, very hard but we both want this so badly, we just have to make it work.

Life's Curve balls.....
Just when we thought this was all going so well, we are called into a meeting at work to announce that the whole company is on redundancy notice. We will all have to re-apply for our jobs. My job turns out to be fairly safe but to make matters worse, my LRUN's job (we work for the same company) has been re-located to a branch pretty fay away. Far enough away to involve lengthy commuting. We are both struck down with shock and dread having to tell Miss Delia. We cannot move closer to LRUN's new job, as this means we willl lose our entire support network we have spent so long pulling together. At the same time, if LRUN commutes, this will mean I will be on my own for alot of the time without his support. More importantly, the Adoption Services hate instability. Neither us sleep very well for ages, scenarios going round and round in our heads..what should we do, should we tell Delia? We haven't made a decision but we have come up with the plan to tell Miss Delia in our next meeting. The plan is to present it to her in a way to show her we are thinking it through logically and sensibly and are researching each option and the implications thereof thoroughly...rather than running around in a flat spin which it felt like were doing most of the time.  I wonder how many more curve balls life wants to throw at me. I can feel my dream of becoming a mummy slowly slipping away. I must be stressed as cannot face baking anything.

Introducing Miss Delia....
The house is clean (all areas this time!) the dogs are hoovered, walked and treated up and we wait patiently. She is a little late and I spend the time reading a chapter from the Adoption Handbook on the Home Study to my LRUN to get us in the mood. This was a good idea actually as it totally relaxed us and put us in the right frame of thinking. I re-boil the kettle three times twice and re-arrange the cookies. I opted for irresistible double chocolate brownie ones. She's here! We argue about who should answer the door (our hallway is not big enough for more than one!) and in the end I do. She immediately reminds me of the legendary cook, Delia Smith. I will admit, I am a little disappointed when she declines my offer of cookies. This is not going to bode well. But she is just lovely and makes us feel totally calm and relaxed. She is here for nearly 3 hours and she talks about what the homestudy involves, the importance of the homework and we talk alot about ourselves. She has look round the house and makes endless notes and gives us a spot of homework.  We finish with booking some dates for future sessions before Xmas and wave good bye from the front door, both us beaming. I have a good feeling about this. Back inside, the brownie cookies are missing and the dogs are looking sheepish.

Let me introduce myself.....
I start carrying my phone everywhere with me in case I miss her call. Strangely the concept of her leaving a message just doesn't come into it. I don't want her to think I am difficult to get hold of. Does it really matter.....no...will that class me as a bad parent....no...so why am I doing it...? I honestly don't know. Maybe the fear of if I don't answer, the next person will and she will allocate her next available time to someone else and we will have to wait even longer? Miracuolusly, she calls and I answer! She sounds nice and friendly and we set a date....for 2 weeks time. I just say yes...again, i don't even check with my LRUN. Whatever we had planned for that day, I can tell you, is no longer planned. This is the most important thing ever...we have a date to start our home study. I wonder what she will be like. I wonder if she likes cake? Oh please let her like cake....

Dead on 8 weeks.....

We get a letter today dead on 8 weeks since the Prep Course saying we had been allocated a social worker. No other news, no dates, no appointments, just a name. But little milestones like these make me happy. It's just that little step closer and makes it all worthwhile when you have to face the endless questions of friends and family who ask...."Any news with your thing?" Humans are funny aren't they. It's amazing how many people refer to this as our 'thing' I don't blame them though... I know it's only because they care and find the whole situation a bit awkward and unfamiliar. Even though we are a very close group of friends at work, I won't deny that it has been particularly hard for me. I was the first one who was planning a family. 5 years later and I am still 'planning that family'  Two colleagues who have helped and supported me throughout all the fertility treatments have gone on to get married and subsequently had twins and a little girl in those 5 years. The cherry on the top and my all time favourite slap in the face with a squishy cherry was the maternity cover girl who went on to fall pregnant by accident. I mean you are kidding me! Luckily we are all really good friends and will remain good friends, with or without children. We have a McMillan coffee morning at work and I am proud to submit my infamous Lemon Drizzle...it goes down a treat.

Luscious Lemon Drizzle...