About Me

This blog is about me and my voyage to becoming a mummy. Ironically called “mummy in the baking” as together with my passion and obsession for all things cake related, I will never be able to have my own "bun in the oven." Years of fertility treatment have taken their toll and I now find myself on a new..eek, i hate this word...journey! The crazy train to adoption. I hope you will join me while I bake my way to becoming a mummy. I want this blog to be a source of information as well as a comforter. I hope it will inspire and help anyone who is considering adoption or who has in fact already bought their ticket for this..here I go again...journey. Cake makes me happy and I hope you will enjoy sharing my love of it. I want it to help lift your spirits and hearts through what can only be described as 'the trials and tribulations of the adoption process.' Along with my desire to be a family, I love my dogs, have an unhealthy love of sausages and chenin blanc, adore my land rover uber-nerd of a husband and continiously dream of balmy summer evenings. Baking in progress…..

Saturday, 28 December 2013

Baby, it's cold outside....

My phone and email are beeping merrily away with messages from far and wide, wishing us all a magical first family Christmas. I reply with grateful thanks but it is far from magical. Each day seems to bring a new step backwards and LBM has regressed massively. I drive myself crazy thinking of the trigger but decide to throw those thoughts to the wind and concentrate on what he needs right now. Me. He is unbelievably clingy to me, showing very peculiar behaviour. I'm sure the psychologists out there would have a field day. He rejects LRUN. In a big way. Last week they were best buddies. A team. Now, he bursts into inconsolable tears every time he comes near him. This my friends, is heartbreaking to witness. LRUN is sad. Real sad. I feel for him and want to help but I don't know how. I have to focus on our little boy. He has started to accept my consoling cuddles. A step further perhaps.

It's Christmas morning and that precious moment of us all gathered around the tree opening presents ended in hysterical tears pretty quickly. There was one funny moment when he stole Black Dog's present (a lamb chew stick)  off her and ate it! I try and perk things up and make us a nice Christmas lunch but am full (both physically and emotionally) halfway through the glazed ham. I can't face celebrating and eating a big lunch today.  Not even the champers is helping. The day gets worse and his tears reach a crescendo by bath-time. We decide we need to start all over again. From scratch. So I spend the next day just me and LBM (and the fridge)  and it seems to be marginally better. There are tears but they are manageable. I go back to the routine like clockwork but I worry I am doing more bad than good. He is driven by his milk feeds and the sense of crazy euphoria he slips into when it gets near 'the time' is worrying. It's as if it's an addiction. There, I've said it. Addiction.

It's been over a week now and just when I'm getting used to to facing one day at time here, we turn a corner. Well, more like we make a left at the roundabout. I put him back into his cot this morning so I can take a much needed shower. Believe me, there are only so many times you can get away with using a baby wipe! LRUN sneaks upstairs and starts to play peek-a-boo with him and his blankie. I hear giggles. Oh geesh, that sounds good. They play for ages, and I sneak away and hide in the bedroom. We communicate stealthily through text messages and he tells me when it's ok to make a re- appearance. It goes well but there are more tears when I walk away again. But still, this is one heck of a milestone folks. We were supposed to be visiting family tomorrow. I am still not sure if this is a good idea. It's a long drive. Do we risk the disruption or would the visit be a welcome distraction for all involved. Tough call. And the voting lines are now open......

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