Panel of love........

It's almost Bonfire night. I am dreaming of my Spiced Toffee Apple Tray Bake  but my phone is going crazy this morning with texts from friends wishing us luck for the Big Meeting today. The official Matching Panel Meeting. The one where the 'powers that be' get to decide if this is a definite match or not. I don't feel even vaguely nervous. In fact I am so chilled out, you may want to check I am still breathing. But I daren't tell my family about this meeting. I don't want them to worry. Surely it's going to be a yes. Surely they can't take us this far down the road only to say no. The chair lady is the same one we had for our Approval Panel months ago. She tells me she is surprised that although she chairs hundreds of these meetings, for some reason she remembers us. Oh lord, is that a good thing? It takes the similar form of the Approval Panel where a line of vultures panel members fire questions at you. The first one being "why do you think LBM is a good match for you?" I joke about the temptation to say, "I have no idea, you tell me, you chose him for us." They all laugh but I get the feeling they are just being polite and don't quite get the angle of my sense of humour. But I can't help myself. Maybe this is my subconscious nervousness shining through, as the inappropriate jokes continue to flow. LRUN is now giving me 'that look' and when they ask me how I am going to embrace LBM's Portuguese heritage, it takes everything in my power not to mention our love of Nando's burgers.

They make us wait ages for the decision. It's starts to worry both of us and I can see the panic in LRUN's face (well actually he has disappeared to the loo so that was my biggest clue)  They eventually return and express their concerns of how difficult we are going to find this all. How LBM is so attached to his foster carer that he will find the move distressing. Are we going to cope as a couple? In fact they are so negative I start to doubt myself and thoughts of 'what have we done' begin to swirl around my head. But then they announce it was a unanimous yes and that we could go home and crack open the bubbly. Miss Delia jumps up to hug me and admits to me it was tough. I can see she is exhausted but relieved.

We hand over our Running for President photos and the Tomy Photo Book (cringe) and the infamous DVD (more cringe) to Miss Scarlett. For a moment I have an awful vision of them dimming the lights, turning on the big screen, getting the popcorn out and watching us  make complete lemons of ourselves on this DVD. But thankfully, she puts it in her bag ready to give to the Fairy Godmother tonight. I will admit, there were many...many outtakes on that movie. And a lot of sniggling. Oh dear gawd.... Please let him find us funny.

Bonfire Night Cake

Lights, camera, action.......

I'm in the local supermarket... in... you guessed it, the home baking aisle. I'm in the mood for something creamy.  Something sweet. I'm dreaming of a Baked Cheesecake topped with a chocolate ganache when I hear LBM's name loud and clear. My ears prick up. I hear it again. It's coming from a distraught mother chasing her little boy through the chiller section. Thankfully, it's not him. I feel for her but hearing his name out loud just emphasises how real this is all becoming. That could be me chasing my little one clutching  his body weight in Babybelles and Cheese Strings. I smile my own little secret smile. Besides, I like Babybelles. Back home, I find an email from the Fairy Godmother with an update on his progress. She refers to him as 'my little boy' (another secret smile moment) and sends me a list of what he will come with. I am shocked by how little it is. 3x vests, 5x baby-gros and a winter coat. That's it. Oh and his special blankie. My obsessive thoughtful ebay purchases are bound to add to that.

Our main mission this week apart from the obvious afore-mentioned Cheesecake Bonanza is to finish LBM's talking photo book. This is the infamous Tomy Talking Book high on every adopters shopping list. We spend Sunday trying to get a set of photos together. LRUN is still in his jim-jams, which makes things tricky as I try not to include the pasty legs dotted with Andalucian mozzie bites. We get some cracking ones of the dogs. Admittedly on the 26th attempt. This does not bode well for future family portraits. We have to enlarge the single ones of us and laminate them for the Fairy Godmother to put up in LBM's room. Honestly, I feel like I'm running for president. This is my Obama campaign. But the psychologists swear by this so it's back to the laminating.

Our next mission (apart from getting through the Great British Bake Off Final without crying!)  is to complete the DVD of us, the house and the garden. This is what most adopters dread. Standing in front of camera, there is no ways I am can even compete with Justin on C- Beebies. The star of our show will be Lucas the Lazy Lion. A little jellycat toy we bought for him. We have been sleeping with him in our bed for a while now so he can be passed to LBM before introductions start with our scent.  Now my scent, I have no problem with. How on earth I am going to stop LRUN's under the duvet whiffs absorbing into his fluffy mane, I have no idea!

Baked Cheesecake Bonanza

Last one in the pool's an Andalucian lemon......

I find myself in the kiddie section of that Swedish lifestyle emporium. I have been here before but this time feels different. I have a little man in mind. I'm a mummy on a mission. Every kid needs a crocodile shaped non-slip mat for the bath, right?
Back home I find Miss Delia has sent us the schedule for our week of introductions with LBM. I can't help feel that it resembles a script out of Big Brother. Monday, 9.30 am....read in a strong jordy accent....LRUN and MITB leave their house and head to LBM's house. 10.30am.....they take him out for a walk and return in time for lunch. 1.30 pm....and so it goes on. Hour by hour of northern LBM loveliness.

I dash off from work to attend a meeting with Miss Delia, the Fairy Godmother and Miss Scarlett to go through this Big Brother schedule and co-ordinate the last bits of paperwork. Gah! More like the last mountains of paperwork. The desk is piled high with endless reports and forms. And no cake? Just so wrong. Surely a little token of the Best Brownies Ever wouldn't go a miss.  Miss Scarlett brings out a card and a small gift for LBM's birthday which is from his birth mother.....his Tummy Mummy. I am surprised by my reaction. It's one of annoyance.  Her card is way bigger than ours and she has produced a gift. Humpf! But I remind myself that we are giving him the biggest and best gift ever.  She announces that Tummy Mummy has requested to meet with us. It takes a moment for this to sink in but I know this is the right thing to do for LBM. To tell him one day that we have all met and even have photos of us all together. We proceed...still no sign of any cake.... and the chairman is reading from one of these zillions of forms. Miss Delia catches my eye as I am frantically trying to appear as 'super organised mummy' whilst desperately trying to figure out which one of these zillions of pieces of paper we are supposed to be reading from. She smiles and whispers, "Don't worry, you don't have that form. That's her checklist." Phew, as that was getting pretty awkward as I was leering dead-casual-like over the chairman's shoulder. Awkward moment. Nowhere near as awkward as the moment we had in John Lewis yesterday. We were looking at pushchairs and came across one that had a coffee holder and fur-lined gloves attached. We both tried out the gloves, casually dismissing how impractical they were and clearly not waterproof! And the wheels were a bit stiff (hee hee...look at us being all super knowledgeable) Imagine our dismay when we discovered this was no shop model. This was in fact somebody's pushchair and in fact contained a baby. We could only imagine the look of horror on the mothers face as she watched us from afar. Needless to say, we were laughing so much, we had to leave. All I can say is that thank heavens LRUN didn't do his his usual trick of  "I will not be defeated.....I must figure out how this monstrosity folds down to a mear waif of it's it's original size!"

We spend the next week on holiday in a villa in the mountains of Andalucia. Our own little babymoon.  We have the most special time together. Enjoying those last opportunities of lying by the pool reading and drinking carafes of sweet sumptuous Sangria. I can't help think of how different this would be with a toddler in tow. Just the thought of airport security malarkey fills me with dread. But that's a whole 'nother adventure to look forward to.

Hip Hip Hooray...Looks who's one today!

On the usual dash home at lunchtime, I come across the all too familiar sight of two Amazon packages on the doorstep. I won't deny it, I perform the usual sigh and eye roll of 'what has he bought for the Landrover now?' ritual. But as I bend down to gather them up, I see LBM's name printed in bold on the label. There it is. His name in print. In lights. Making him more real than I could ever imagine. I feel all giddy and do my best to ignore the dog while I rush inside and nervously open it. Its a couple of beautifully wrapped gifts from Little Miss Sarah Jessica Parker (aka my surrogate-baby friend still on that floor!) wishing LBM a very happy first birthday. Now, I know I said I wanted everyone to just stop crying but right here right now, I am so touched by this. She is such a gem and I love her madly for this. I resist the urge to open them further but instead run my finger over his name. His beautiful name. We didn't buy him a gift. I want us to be his gift. I want him to be the luckiest little boy in the world. But we did send the card. Something bright and cute and proudly  signed  'love mummy and daddy' He is away on holiday this week with his foster family and I wonder what they have planned for him.

I have cakes to make tonight but it's an order for a client and it feels strange that me of all people is not making our little boy a cake. But you know what, he doesn't need cake right now. He needs love. There will be so many more birthdays ahead filled with mountains of cake. While my cupcakes are cooling, I crack open the bubbly and toast him. Cheers LBM! Here's to many more magical birthdays. But looking back at my cake order, I may sneak in a few blue ones for good measure.

What a feeling..being believing.....lalalaaala...!

Holy schmakaroo. To all those adoptees out there just starting on this road to planet adoption or those who are stuck in yet another frustrating delay or setback, please hang in there. You will be a family one day. Your little one may just not be quite ready for you yet. They need a teeny bit more time. This is such an incredibly powerful feeling of happiness and gratitude, I find it hard to explain. LBM's photos are on the fridge and the overwhelming sense of happiness I get when I look at his scrummy little face and cheeky little grin when reaching for a chunk of dairy milk  the milk is so special. I've never had this feeling before and I have to keep reminding myself....this is real honey.

I show his picture to my friends. They are speechless. He is so adorable that they can't stop staring at him.  I bump into Miss Curly Wurly's mom in the local supermarket and we end up having a half hour LBM appreciation moment in the cold meat aisle. There are smiles, tears, giddy little jumps and deep hugs filled with love. I bump into Boobylicious's mom in another supermarket and again there are tears and such happiness. The magic this little boy is creating already, is unbounded.

My search for a celery cake wasn't hugely productive but I did get side tracked to a Courgette and Blueberry Loaf which was diabolically good. I tried it out on my guinea pigs the girls at work. Let's just say, it was hoovered. Until some smarty pants worked out the calories. Don't whatever you do, work out the calories!

LBM turns one next week and it feels odd that we won't be able to share this first birthday with him. I ask Miss Delia if it's ok to send him a card. She replies (yes..yes..eventually!) saying its a good idea. It will go in his life story book and be part of this forever. Eeek, I guess this means we will be signing our first card as 'mummy and daddy'

Calorifc Terrific

Still here...on the floor

Today's the day we meet LBM's foster carer. I find myself running around like a crustless apple pie before work, hoover in one hand, frantically febreezing the dog bed with the other. It dawns on me just how un-child friendly our house is and I start to panic. Will she judge me on this? Is this ignorance? No, it's just us being cautious and not quite believing this is really happening. It's a long day at work but I dash home early to meet them. LRUN is home already having his customary 'just before the SW arrives' poo. Aargh!
I open to the door to the familiar smile of LBM's social worker, Little Miss Scarlett. With her, is a very young girl and I stand there speechless. Surely this can't be LBM's foster carer? She looks about 12! Little Miss Scarlett must have seen my confused, quizzical expression (I'm rubbish at acting!) and she quickly introduces her as a guest student (phew!) And there hidden behind the corner of the Land Rover was LBM's foster carer. A sweet smiley woman not far off the Fairy Godmother.  She is small and round and  I immediately warm to her,  I like small round people. Don't ask me why, I just do. Everyone comes inside and in a jiffy, we break into the tea and cake and the atmosphere is really relaxed. The dogs are desperate to join the party and the Fairy Godmother beckons them in. It's chaos for a minute as Big Dog does her rounds of hugging everyone but they soon settle down. It's obvious they know something is up and they just want to be in on things. Ok, ok...it's the cake they are really after but let's give them the benefit of the bone here.

The Fairy Godmother starts talking about LBM and I just sit there, soaking up all this sweet juicy info. He loves In the Night Garden, he has a special blankie he takes to bed with him, he sleeps 12 hours a night (whaaat?)  he loves his buggie and being outdoors and has a special love of celery. LRUN and I laugh out loud. We both hate celery. In fact LRUN states it's only good in a Bloody Mary. I resist the urge to elbow him and say 'inappropriate honey' but they they all giggle and we carry on just having a whole hour of LBM appreciation time. The Fairy Godmother says she has some recent photos of him for us and she passes me the neat, new shiny Boots photo envelope. LRUN scurries over and leans hard against me to see. My heart literally melts as I take in his cute little cheeky grin and gorgeous little face. I am overwhelmed at how scrummy he is. The other photo I admit is not his best. It shows just how chunky he really is and he is grimacing so much, I reckon he is probably having a poo at that exact moment but you know what....that is him and we love him so much already, it has earned it's place on the fridge door. I show the Fairy Godmother around the house and after a few minutes I get the feeling she actually wants to move in. It's not a big house but so many people tell me our house has such happy vibes to it. Like they always feel they are on holiday when they come to visit. She loves it and is so positive about everything. She stops outside the bathroom door and looks me dead in the eye and says, " I don't think you realise just how lovely he really is. He honestly is the loveliest little one I have ever fostered, you know.  He is simply gorgeous!" It sinks in then just how lucky we are.

I send the photo to my parents who have already cracked open the bubbly and are literally in tears, wishing they could be there with us to share the moment.  My sister is revelling in the magic he is creating already. LRUN calls his family and they talk for ages. The next day the girls at work are all speechless at just how cute he is. Lady Godiva, amongst others are in tears. Will everyone please just stop crying! Now, excuse me, I need to find a recipe for a celery cake.

Continue browsing or proceed to checkout....

Soon after they all leave the house, LRUN takes the dogs out while collecting his beloved LandRover from the garage. I am alone in the house. It's completely silent and I just stand there and simply absorb the intensity of what has just happened. Oh my hat, I am actually going to be a mummy. I feel emotionally exhausted. The phone rings and I jump, rudely awoken from my mummy induced euphoria. My heart sinks as I hear the familiar voice of Miss Delia. There is a slight tremble in her voice and I immediately panic. I think the worst. That she has made a mistake. That this is not going ahead. They are taking him away from me. But alas, she asks me if she has left her briefcase behind. Yes, yes, there it is. Its soft, shiny well worn leather lying casually against the sofa. I hadn't even noticed. I agree to take it to work the next morning where she'll pick it up. LRUN eventually returns after some time. I fear he may have been just standing in the street and freaking out but he smiles and tells me he has been on the phone to his parents sharing the good news. They and we, are over the moon.

Again, I don't sleep. I make a cup of tea and watch the dvd of LBM again. I am overcome by how much I love him already. He rolls over and legs a-kimbo I can almost feel his chunky little thighs. Eek, how on earth am I going to carry him up the stairs? Note to self:  must stop eating sausages and work on my core muscles.

I meet Miss Delia at work the next morning with said briefcase....believe me, it took everything in my power not to open it ;-) and she remarks on how well yesterday's meeting went. I confess that I won't admit to her how many times I have watched his dvd as she may think I was, well, simply weird. She smiles and assures me there is no limit and that this was a good thing.

The girls in the office are euphoric. Lady Godiva can't stop smiling and another colleague remarks on how she has no idea how I am managing to concentrate as she can't stop thinking about him. They keep catching my eye and grinning like cheshire cats. Back home, I phone my parents and my dad answers, 'Hello Grandpa speaking' He is so unbelievably excited and we wallow in the joy for ages. I skype my sister and secretively show her a snippet of the dvd. She bursts into tears but draws her chair right up to the screen to absorb every inch of him through her tears. LRUN and I spend the weekend just talking about LBM. We spend some time in a baby store and for the first time I don't feel like a fake. This is real. So frikkin real. I cannot wait to meet his foster carer next week. I want to soak up everything she says. Ooh, hope she likes cake? I need something subtle and unobtrusive. I think a cute little orange flavoured Yogurt Loaf will do the trick. Maybe I'll glam it up a bit with a sprinkling of toasted sliced almonds a light dusting of icing sugar.....

Somebody pick me up off this floor.....

The last few days have honestly been the hardest few days of my life so far. Anxiety doesn't even come into the picture here. In essence, I think entering the Great British Bake Off would have been an easier option this year. Miss Delia has gone wholly cold turkey on us. From offering to come round after work one night with a DVD and an update on LBM, to nothing. Simply nothing. Not a peep. I email her looking for some sort of re-assurance and get nothing. LRUN emails her too asking some questions about dates and she finally replies with a cryptic, panic inducing email saying she can''t say too much until after our meeting and we are all 'sure.' She tells him she is bringing the medical adviser with her and LBM's social worker tomorrow. I immediately go into defence mode....she is hiding something from us. Why is she being so secretive? So aloof. So cold.  I don't like this. Triple AAA once again is my saviour. She steps in like a little angel from another world and assures me everything will be ok. I try and stay calm and somehow manage an amazing nights sleep. I think sheer emotional exhaustion may play a part here. But I have to endure a whole days work first before our meeting at 4pm. My tummy is flipping and turning so much all day and I try and stay calm, placid and focused on my work. Oh please please please don't let this be bad news. I am so stressed but I feel I have to make cake. There is no love in this cake. This cake is filled with worry, panic and distress. But it turns out beautiful and I take some into work for the girls who are so excited that by 9.30am, they are all licking the sweet buttery frosting off their lips.

By 4pm, my house is filled with LBM appreciation folk. LBM's social worker is just lovely. I instantly click with her (well she says yes to tea and a slice of cake so we're half way there really) She is young and vibrant and when she talks about him, her face lights up.  The medical adviser tells us everything that we know already and suddenly it dawns on me this is really happening. There is no bad news. This is really happening. They stay late, we watch a DVD of him and my heart literally melts. Ok, so he's very chunky and looks more like the Michelin Man than anything (or the Oros man for my South African readers) but oh my hat, he is just perfect. The diaries come out..this is getting serious...and dates are scheduled. They hope to have him home with us by the 21st November. I look over at LRUN and the look of sheer panic on his face is hilarious. We finally wave goodbye to Miss Delia and resisting the urge to scream, we both stand there hugging with the dogs looking up at us, somewhat puzzled. Somebody...please pick me up off this floor!