Don't let me down Miss Delia.....

No news is good news right? Negative captain..... Not in the world of adoption. Miss Delia has gone particularly quiet on us and this is suspicious. I emailed her two weeks ago to check a) that we were on track for our paperwork deadline for the PAR (prospective adopters report) of the 29th April and b) because I was having my own little toddler like tantrum and was simply seeking her attention. She has been a big part of our lives and suddenly she's gone and I was struggling to cope without updates from her.  More importantly, we were starting to get concerned that some of our references hadn't yet received their reports from her. This is something they have to check and sign and then return to her, bearing in mind if there are any mistakes and adjustments need to be made, this whole process would all have to repeated and posted back and forth in their little 'not so urgent 2nd class prepaid envelopes!'  I will have you know that I am not the only one who has deliberately stuck a shiny first class stamp over the freepost bar on their correspondence. Ha...! Just my little token effort to try and speed this process up.
So after no reply, I emailed her again today asking again if things were on track. In the last hour of an intense day at work,  I receive a reply. Her email smacks of another delay and yet more disappointment. She admits to me she is behind in her paperwork and is struggling to meet her deadlines. She then drops the bomb that they have neglected to contact an old boyfriend of mine ( we lived together for 3 years and they deem this as a 'significant partner' and must contact them but Frikkin Nora, that was 13 years ago! ) She admits that they have lost his contact details which I gave to them in July last year. Yup, you heard me, July  LAST year.....and it's taken them this long to tell me they have not contacted him yet. He lives in New York and is particularly hard to get hold of. This is not looking good. There is no way they are going to make this deadline.
I somehow manage to get through the last hour of work but the drive home is emotional. The tears are streaming so intensely down my cheeks, I can barely see the road. I consider pulling over but don't want to draw attention to myself. I just want to get home.

I pull into the driveway and smile at my neighbour, silently hoping she wont want to chat as she'll notice my red eyes. I feel a real mix of emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment and panic all in one go. I decide to pour myself the biggest gin and tonic ever ( cake just wont cut the mustard here I'm afraid and I have just discovered cucumber flavoured gin.... Yup, that's what I'm talking about right there!) The dogs are so excited to see me but they sense something is up and stare at me intently.  I down my drink, wipe the tears and head out on the dog walk in the glistening evening sun. I listen to some of my favourite tunes very very loudly and dance madly across the fields.   I must look like a complete space cadet to the locals but I don't care. It makes me feel better. LRUN gets home and admits that he is refusing to get angry over this. One of us being upset is enough. The mood at home is subdued. I try and think ahead to the weekend when I am throwing an afternoon tea party bursting with delicious morsels of cake, hoping this will lift my spirits but its not working. Perhaps now was not the best time to have given up chocolate....

Gin Gin a drop of Gin

I've been to Paradise but I've never been to me.....

 I bet you're all curious as to how LRUN is coping with his new commute. Between you and me I think he is secretively enjoying it. In fact I've never seen him with so much spring in his step in the morning (unless it's his new gay sea and samphire wake up shower gel but I doubt it) He's home by 7.15 pm but he is finding the evenings a bit harder to get used to. His LandRover Man Den time is cut short you see..... This could also have something to do with the fact our oven has broken..... Disaster......I need to bake....I must bake....please fix it!

We had been invited round to the Fraigs for dinner and to celebrate their adoption match with the two little boys and thought we might as well stay the night as we're bound to crack open the bubbly. It was a great evening and the news of the boys possibly being with them by the start of summer is certainly worth celebrating. Lets just say there was a lot of alcohol consumed and after a night cap of half a bottle of their finest whiskey, LRUN managed to fall asleep at the table. So charming. We laughed as we wondered how different hangovers would be with little ones in tow. Thanks Fraigs, not just for the hangovers but for sharing this milestone with us. Thanks for showing us how you were getting their room ready, it was beautiful to see how real this is all becoming for you. You've waited a long time for this and are so deserving of these two very special boys.

The frivolities continued at a wedding down in a hillier part of England. A huge grand affair for a very special Miss Blue Eyes and her husband and topped off with a cake made entirely of cheese! LRUN couldn't be happier. An enormous amount of good old days silly fun was had with our old yachting buddies. 'Gosh, I haven't seen you for like 5 years' said Miss Jonesy.."How are you.... What are you up to.... Have you got any kids?" It was with great pride that I answered loudly this time and far from the usual muffled whisper " Almost...."We're adopting!" The evening was filled with delicious food, lots of wine and I tell you, LRUN was shaking some moves on that dance floor.  I got to catch up and spend some crazy, fun times with my darling Miss Elaine Page and little Miss Sarah Jessica Parker....I love you girls madly. Way after pumpkin hour, the karaoke sessions kicked in and we triumphed in a live performance of the 70's hit by Charlene.... "I've been to Paradise but I've never been to me" Such an emotional performance possibly fuelled by the Bollinger but it got me thinking how lucky we were to have spent six years working on board luxury sailing yachts, travelling the world, spending time in those idyllic locations most people only see in the brochures. Now it was time to find that mummy in me. 

Cake of Cheese

My Cake Mantra

You can run but you can't hide......

This adoption 'thing' can be so all encompassing, so all consuming that if you're not careful, you find you live, sleep and dream adoption. A pregnancy lasts nine months and most woman spend the first few months in denial and then suddenly start panic buying baby wipes, pram accessories and nipple cream.  Adoption here in the UK takes on average two years. That's a long time to think about the subject. Feeling as though I am at  risk of becoming as obsessed with it as I was with Duran Duran as a teenager, I decided to give myself a break from all things adoption related over the Easter weekend....you know, give myself more time to focus on the important issue of the bunny celebrations....chocolate consumption.

This weekend is going to be all about me.  No adoption forums, paperwork, blogs, books. Nada. I pop into the supermarket for cocoa-infused provisions and decide to buy a nice novel to switch off with, lose myself in. Live someone elses life for a bit. Settling in on the sofa with the dogs, my favourite blanket and a huge pot of tea, I start my 'me' session. Low and behold, my romance novel turns out to be all about social workers, the foster care system, adoption and child abuse. What the....? There was no warning of this on the summary! It's tempting to shut it quickly and dash off to find another one. But I find I keep turning the pages. The book is annoyingly  gripping and I don't leave the sofa. Engrossed in this world of the care system, it gives me an intriguing insight into the world of Miss Delia.
 Later that evening, I run a bath and lie back in the zen like spa zone I have created for myself and tune into that radio station which people tell me is apparently aimed at the 55 year old...sorry...I can't help it....give me Woman's Hour any day over some annoying 'shout outs' about random people on the M1. Anyhow....I digress....the programme turns out to be all about international adoption. I try hard not to listen but it's interesting and I lie there listening to the whole thing..slowly turning to a wrinkly prune as the water goes cold and the Badedas bubbles dissapear. The next day, while listening to the squeals of delight of the neighbours little ones all enjoying their easter egg hunts,  I decide to make an Apple Streusel cake....a light vanilla sponge, topped with juicy tart apple slices and sprinkled with a crumbly streusel topping. It's good but not amazing, in fact if I make it again, I'd make some changes....probably make it bigger....and add custard...but that's just me ..... being greedy....in my seek for perfection.  I'm about to go in for a second slice just to be sure (what?)  and I hear my email ping. Its a copy of a long email my sister (my rock, my love, my helpline and amongst other things, a child psychologist) has sent to Miss Delia assuring her what amazing parents we'd be. I read it over and over again. Its beautiful, raw and real. I think I need to face up to the reality here that there is no escaping this adoption malarky. This is it Miss Sweetness....embrace it! No hiding allowed.

Hummingbird Apple Streusel Cake

A sure thing....

Why is it that nothing in life is ever guaranteed?  Or maybe that's just my world but there always seems to be something we are aspiring for in life which entails an element of luck and hope. I pity the next poor unsuspecting soul that blesses me with one of my all time favourites..."aah.... fingers crossed it all works out for you" as I fear I may actually punch them. Well, I won't really as I'm such a pansy but they'll still  get a right old mental bollocking.  I hate that expression. Why can't some things in life just be definite? Guaranteed. A sure thing. I guess that would  make life pretty dreary and predictable but just for once, for me, I would like a piece of certainty. You will be a family by the end of the year. Done. Dusted. For sure. I hope I'm not sounding impatient.  I guess I'm just feeling this way as its been a week of strange news. A breakdown in another potential match which resulted in Little Miss Rainbow losing a bit of her shine and this makes me sad.  This together with the tragic news of a stillborn to a friend just proves that you just never know how things are going to turn out. Nothing is ever certain. I now realise that even if I could have a baby the old fashioned way by bonking as my Granny D would say, I would never enjoy that pregnancy. After four miscarriages, it would always be the case of " fingers crossed, it all works out for you"  I remember on my last IVF cycle, a friend saying she was crossing everything crossable for me that it worked.....Well she clearly wasn't crossing her legs was she? All proven by the arrival of her twins (hahaha.... I knows she's reading this so..so sorry Mrs Curly Wurly, I couldn't resist.... giggling...still love you.) So who knows where this crazy adoption train will take us. Destination unknown.
I'll tell you what is a sure thing though.... The delicious soft squigyness of a sugar crusted pear and almond cake baking away in my oven. The kitchen smells nutty and sweet and I am certain this is gonna taste just fabulous. Well...fingers crossed it does.

May Day...May Day

Feck! Either Miss Delia has discovered my blog (eek!) or she has some sort of in-tuned oonagi but she emailed me yesterday. In the subject line was Adoption Panel Date and I could feel my little heart beating as I clicked open. Please let this be good news.  Sadly not, and as suspected, they are delaying our panel until the 15th May so they can assess how LRUNs new journey (really?) will impact on us. Oh for the love of shortcake! It's the same job, same people, same product, same money...he is just getting on a train. So as always, I  grit my teeth and endeavour to remain positive and hope that this delay is all to due to some form of divine timing. Perhaps some Suffolk down-and-outs are shagging as we speak to procreate our child.

So panel is now 8 weeks away. How on earth am I going to while away the days? I am thinking of planning a special party...maybe an afternoon tea. With mountains of little cakes, tea, champagne and a few savory delights. That should keep me busy. Who fancies coming round?

Who you calling a fat rascal?

It's been a week of really good news but before you start doing your Freddy Mercury impersonation dancing round the kitchen in excitement, sadly none of it is MY good news. But it's fabulous news nonetheless and needs to be celebrated. The Fraigs have been to panel, approved and are already being linked to some little ones. An old friend has her panel booked for this week and I just know they are going to say yes and Little Mrs Rainbow has a match in the pipeline. In reality, for me, it's been a week of sad news. It might have something to do with two sets of very special and supportive friends who stood as references for us are moving away.....one to Oz...come on Shananagans..could you get any further away..!.. and the other to that side of the country where they drive tractors all day. I guess I am just once again feeling like the last man standing. Why are we having to wait so long? I guess this a just a natural emotion to feel when you finish your homestudy and are waiting for your SW to finish writing your PAR (an encyclopedia sized report on whether they think you would make suitable parents or not...."eye-roll") There are no more dates booked in the diary, no more Blue Peter style projects and homework, just the plain old silence treatment as she dilegently types away. As if five years of fertility treatment wasn't enough pain,  I just have this awful feeling it's not going to happen this year. Each day I check the post thinking maybe she's done it, maybe Miss Delia has been up all night with cups of coffee, grazing on mountains of cake and frantically typing away trying to get our report done. And it will miraculously arrive on the doorstep today in that all too familiar adoption services envelope. Reality soon slapped me in the face with a crumbly chocolate cookie when I spoke to one of our references and realised that Miss Delia hadn't even written their reports yet so we have a long wait ahead. To ease the pain, I go away up north with a friend to Harrogate (gosh, they talk funny up here) and we have a lovely weekend away, drinking wine, eating cake and shopping. Something I know when the little ones finally arrive, will be a thing of the past. We brave the queues of Betty's Tea Room and indulge in many, many delights. I buy LRUN a traditional Yorkshire Fat Rascal (a sort of comical rock bun/scone type fancy) Ok, so I buy him half a Yorkshire Fat Rascal as I couldn't stop eating the little bugger on the journey home. Crumbly, butter with juicy little currants...just too irresistible.

Yorkshire Fat Rascal

Aah Mothers Day...that old chestnut

I'm in the supermarket shopping for icing sugar and the place is heaving...I know... 'whats new' I hear you sigh but seriously this is worse than normal. There are people everywhere panic buying tulips, chocolates and roast dinners. And then it dawns on me...it's Mother's Day tomorrow. Aaah....the day of mothers... a celebration I have always blanked, ignored or simply had no reason to jubilate. I lost my own mother brutally to cancer when I was 21. She was 48 (yikes...not much older than me really) Yes, my dad has a new partner and she is an amazing mother who I love enormously but we randomly celebrate Mother's Day on a different day of the year in SA. I also have a wonderful mother-in-law but she lives four hours away and celebrations aren't really their thing. But yes, I have bought her a card from LRUN, signed it and reminded him to post it. So tomorrow is going to feel strange. All my friends have plans as many of them are now new mums. For me it's going to be yet another reminder that I am still not yet a mother. "Ooh but enjoy all those lie-ins while you can", they say.  The truth is..I don't like lie-ins, lie-ins make me lazy and remind me that I don't have something to get up for. Anyhoo...LRUN's under the duvet whiffs confirm why lie-ins aren't always what you dream they'd be. Plus the dogs need a wee and I need tea so I just don't do lie-ins. But I don't want to come across as all glum and solemn and feeling sorry for myself as I am just not that type of person. So instead I am going to embrace tomorrow. Celebrate it as my 'mummy-to-be day.' Going through the adoption process is like a having a pregnancy but with no due date. I will be a mummy some day...I'm just not sure what day. I decide to bake myself my all time mood uplifting, bog standard chocolate cake but plan to add a twist of white chocolate and oreo icing. Gah! After all that  trolley dodging, I forgot to buy the icing sugar!

Sunday - Happy Mummy-to-be Day to me

Going bananas with Miss Delia......
It's the most beautiful sunny spring day and with a bounce in my bosom-supported step (yup I'm feeling young again) we welcome Miss Delia into our home for one last session of home study. Feeling positive, I had whipped up a scrummy banana loaf with the added feel good factor of wholemeal flour and carefully lay four tantalising slices on the coffee table in front of her. It turns out to be an incredibly intensive meeting and we spend nearly 3 hours talking about disorders we would consider including foetal alcohol syndrome, drug abuse, mental health problems etc. As we break for me to make another much needed cup of tea, she lunges (yes...you heard me....lunges!) forward and grabs a piece of banana bread and I hear her say to LRUN, "Gosh this is really delicious" I grin like the proverbial Cheshire and instinctively do a little dance in the kitchen and hope no-ones looking apart from the dog. We talk alot about the matching process and how long it takes...around three months from when they first show you a profile until you actually get to meet the little angel. (Once again, Dear Mr. Cameron....please explain) She wraps up the session with the good news that she is still aiming to take us to panel to be approved as adopters in April. The subject of my husbands commuting will continue to be an issue to deal with after that. She asks me if I had considered how different things would be with a child with us....seriously Miss Delia, I have thought about nothing else. Everything I do now, I find myself thinking about how this would be with a little one in tow. I no longer blank the contents of the shelves in the baby aisle, I now even allow myself to look at the bedding for kiddy-winks in John Lewis. I need to tread carefully, as I have been here once before. With a pregnancy where the closer we got to the first scan, the more I allowed myself to believe and I stupidly allowed myself to believe that it was ok to buy my first mother and baby magazine. Sadly that pregnancy ended in a devastating 'no heartbeat' situation and I had to come home and toss that magazine into the recycling bin. I vowed never to do go there again.  So, this is emotionally a huge step for me. I am allowing myself to get excited about this. Oh please let this happen this year. I don't think I can face another Christmas playing Santa for the dog. ;-)

Wholemeal Banana Loaf